feeling blue

I've found that sometimes, writing stuff out on here makes me feel better or helps me to better understand something so that is what I'm doing. Therefore, forgive me if I do not make any sense since I don't really understand it myself so I'll hardly be able to explain this whatever it is coherently and clearly.

I can't really pin point the exact time but I've started to feel a bit blue this evening. I have 'made' a scale to 'track' my 'mood swings'. So there's depressed which is the saddest, upset, sad and feeling blue/down. I think it started around 8pm this evening when I was showering. I'm not sure what I was thinking about but those thoughts obviously weren't in the happy region. I don't know, it stared with a fun bout of insecurity -do my new 'friends' actually like me? What about the girls I've not really spoken to? Do they hate me because I've made friends with guys and they haven't really? What about my best friends? Have they found a better friend to replace me now? Thoughts like these kept swirling about in my head and bringing down my mood. I stayed at the 'feeling down/blue' level for the rest of the evening but it slowly got 'downer'. I'd texted a friend I'd been neglecting a bit lately and sometimes the rubbish he spouts amuses me at the least or the cheesy stuff he says that I don't really think he means makes me smile but I didn't feel anything and just wished I could end the conversation or not reply. However I don't really work like that and had to reply. The conversation just added to my bad mood. Then whilst I was chatting with one of my best friends she said that she couldn't meet this weekend (we'd decided that all of us would meet at least once a month so we don't drift apart and not be friends anymore) and I felt really disappointed. I'd wanted to see her this weekend but homework and possible plans with my new potential friends kept me occupied and she was also busy. I spent the rest of the evening this way and 4 hours later I'm still not feeling happier. It's strange because I'm never usually like this, I'm usually in the 'very happy' parts, 'normal' or 'upset'. I don't visit 'feeling down' a lot and I don't like it, plus it's usually quite easier for me to break these moods and feel happy again but it's just not happening tonight.

I guess there could be a lot to attribute to this mood. Firstly, I stayed up reading and only got 3 hours sleep last night so I had a Starbucks early in the morning (caffeine early in the morning, on a near empty stomach and after zero sleep makes me feel weird), plus, I'm on antibiotics for an infection and these antibiotics made me feel bad last time I had them (its only a seven day course and I was desperate so that's why I haven't been to my doctor). Plus, I skipped lunch because I went to debate society during lunchtime, then I got home and went straight to badminton without eating. Plus, it's been rainy all day, I've been a bit cold and the sixth form common room was packed and loud and I inhaled cigarette smoke at the bus stop and got a headache. And, since I'm now at a mixed school spots and my hair and clothes are becoming important and stressing me out, especially since I just got a bunch of spots from this time of the month right when school started. Everything just seems to be well timed to mess with me today I guess...

Unfortunately writing hasn't really helped me tonight but I might as well post this since its written. Maybe I'll be better tomorrow after some sleep and food. Hopefully I will be, I'm not particularly enjoying feeling like this.

excited

Don't judge me, but I'm excited for the first day of school tomorrow. It's still pretty warm at quarter to 11 at night and I can't sleep, well the heat and because I'm jittery and nervous and excited about school tomorrow, therefore, what better way to dispel these feelings and welcome sleep than to share it with the Internet and my few readers?

I had a 2 hour induction at my new school today and I was really nervous the night before that because I thought that I would meet all of my new classmates and have to make friends but end up making everyone hate me with my sarcastic comments. I tend to come off rude and big headed if people don't realise I'm being sarcastic so I probably don't give the best first impressions. So I got there and saw way too many girls for an all boys secondary school with a mixed sixth form and turns out that it was only e external students for the induction and I'd see the rest of the boys tomorrow. This reassured me a little. The teacher who gave me my information pack told me that everyone had to try to talk to three new people so that we would all try to socialise instead of stand about eyeing each other awkwardly. I'd arrived a few minutes late so most people were there and I walked around, away from the teachers to find people to talk to. I went to two boys talking and they pretty much ignored me which wasn't great but luckily another boy who'd just finished his conversation came over and introduced himself, completing his three. We talked and he was a nice friendly guy who I can see myself becoming good friends with. I said about my miserable failure to compete the challenge and he pointed out two girls who just happened to be walking past, one who is in my form coincidentally. We chatted then got called into a welcome talk from the head, head of sixth form etc.

Then we were split off into our tutor groups and taken on a tour of the school. To my disappointment there were only two boys in the group and eight girls including me. Luckily there will be the other half of the form tomorrow all of which will be boys which is brilliant. I know how I am coming off especially moving from an all girls school after 5 years to an all boys mixed sixth form but I'm not that desperate, I swear. So I was the second person out the door in our group and the first was the better looking of the two boys, I tried to strike up conversation but he replied then walked over to the other boy. Rude. Our group ended up split into pairs and I was with the girl I'd spoken to earlier. She strikes me as the quiet type and I'm not sure she really understood my sarcasm when I made a joke about our awkward year 13 tour guide so I talked a lot less than I usually would if I were around someone I was comfortable with. We went to form and met our tutor, he talked about a few things then answered questions we have before taking us back to the sixth form common area. We went to the wrong bit but the headmaster found us and took us outside to the picnic benches laid out with nice snack food. I went to a table with cookies and 3 other girls from my form joined us. It turned out that I'd somehow gotten into the 'Asian' group. We talked and ate and a few other girls joined us. One girl was really confident and talked a lot, a bit like me when I'm comfortable around people and know them a bit. I saw my year 6 friend and the guy who'd spoken to me earlier walk past and said hi. After a little while I got bored and went to talk to the boys before we were taken to a talk at the library. When it finished I walked out en realised I had to go back in to find the head of year 12 so she could take me to change my options, walking out was a big mistake as there was a very large flow of people trying to leave to go home. I got in to find a small group of boys standing around and the teacher I was looking for was busy talking so I lingered outside. One of the boys started talking to me and I'd met him at the social evening back in April since he was my year 6 friend's friend from the same school. Pretty soon the rest of the group introduced themselves and instead of saying 'nice to meet you' or some other peasantry I kept respecting my name. I'm not sure why since I wasn't even nervous. This was the group of boarders at the school, which is why they weren't trying to leave. I'd met another at the social evening since he was also from my old school and I can see myself becoming good friend with them since they are all nice and friendly and male, obviously. 

Nobody really wanted that much detail but I'm tired and accidentally went into storybook mode. I never even explained that I'm excited to meet all the new people and see if I can make friends with anyone or reconnect with my other year 6 friend who moved to this school when I moved to my all girls. The other friend stayed at the school we were at which had a primary school, secondary and sixth form. Plus, maybe I'll spot a few hot guys since they were few and far between today (this is one of my hobbies).

I promise I am not boy crazy after 5 years of being at an all girls, I just like to make not funny jokes and mean about 30% of this.