drifting

I've noticed that I've been a little hypocritical lately. Well, to be fair, I'm always hypocritical but especially so, this time. We were talking in philosophy about how the news only ever reports bad things: accidents, economic crisis, crimes etc. and if you think about it, it's quite true, which is also what I thought in the lesson. Although, now that I think about it, it's not entirely true, but no, I'm going to pretend it is so this makes sense. So the part about being hypocritical is that I really disagreed with that and I've always lived my life trying to be happy and focus only on good things etc. However, I've realised that the only times I 'document' things in my life, they're not particularly good things. Like my last post or diary entry, or this post I'm about to write. Just thought I'd throw it out there...

I was showering and thinking about stuff and I got this feeling (not from my shower) that I've just been drifting along lately, metaphorically. I go to school, go through the motions of my lessons, eat, sleep, repeat - not in that order. Like I feel like I don't really have my place and I don't belong anywhere, most of the time I prefer being on my own which I find a bit weird.

I don't think that I really completely looked at every angle when I declared that I would move school this time last year. Now that I'm here, I've realised how many things I didn't think through properly, I only focused on the advantages and refused to see the reasons why so many people choose to stay at their schools for the last two years of schooling. I didn't see how completely my life would change, I didn't see that I would not know anyone and would be around no one I knew and not have any kind of safety blanket or group of friends to go to, I would have to speak to people and make friends. I also didn't realise that I wouldn't be able to make friends as easily as I did with my two besets friends that I met a few years ago at my old school. I didn't take into account the extra pressure from just the harder level of work and being at an even more academic school. Or that I'd be in unfamiliar surroundings with different teachers.

I don't think it helps that I've been dealing with a lot of stuff outside of school which makes it a bit difficult. Since I don't really know anyone that well I don't feel comfortable telling people really personal things and I don't even know who I would choose to talk to even if I did. The worst thing would be if I told someone and they just thought that I told them for pity or sympathy or attention. Saying that though, I didn't give some of these sixteen year old boys enough credit. I did open up to a couple of friends (they caught me at a weak moment) and if anything, they listened and tried to offer constructive advice or just cheer me up and distract me. Obviously they probably couldn't really understand or empathise unless they were in a similar situation. They do seem to care about me, sometimes at least. It's like that thing where people say you know who your friends are when you're going through bad things. That's the thing though, I never know what to do with myself when I'm 'fine'.

reflecting

I was just about to start my homework and so in the spirit of procrastination I opened up everything I would possibly need for my homework - textbooks, moodle (this online thing where they post homework and lesson stuff), my school email and planner. I then started to make a list of all the homework that I have a very small amount of time to complete for school tomorrow that I ignored for all of half term when I started reflecting on some stuff. I know, groundbreaking stuff right here.

I realised that I have no idea what's going on in all of my classes right now and I've fallen very behind because I pretty much missed the last three days before half term. This then led me to think of why I'd missed all those classes and led to this reflective stream of consciousness. It's strange when I think of how upset I got at different times over the last week and bit since I was told that I need a biopsy and I've come to a few realisations. 

First, sometimes I take advantage of the special treatment I get (from my school) because of all the stuff that's happened and I slack and get lazy and don't do my homework. I think, they meant that it's understandable that I might not get work done because I'll be having to go to a few medical appointments which could upset me if its bad news or something major that I'll get worried about or if I get really down about any of this 'stuff' (I don't feel the need to give details since a) that would be a post and a half in itself and b) I don't want pity or anything and c) it's not necessary in the context of this post, I feel) clearly, those are good reasons for why I won't have done work since I'll be busy or distracted and not able to do homework. However, I'm feeling a bit guilty because I could have not done so much stuff with my friends or so much lazing around eating dark chocolate chips and done some of this homework that I am still not doing. 

Secondly, my emotions seems to operate by an 'all or nothing' principle. Let me explain, when I get upset, I get really really really upset - think hysterical crying to the point of being sick and migraine, or I'll be quite bubbly and happy to the annoying degree, but that's kind of my usual personality so... OR I'll just be neutral or nothing or numb and not feel much, this one has two halves, the good halve where I'm just neutral and nothing so I'm not upset or sad really but not uber happy either, a bit like how I'm feeling now. The bad halve is either before or after I feel really down when I'm feeling numb and nothing and I really don't like it because I just get this really dull, heavy feeling and I'll either get really upset following this or have been really upset and who really likes to get upset?

Thirdly, for the most part I only get really upset by triggers. This would be a good thing, except that these triggers cover a wide range of things because of all my issues so someone could say something and a normal person would see the proper meaning behind and not feel much but I'll interpret in a really bad way and I start thinking bad things and feeling really horrible and get really upset but it's really hard for me to see that it's just my brain making these things up and that's not what the person intended. Even though I notice this when I'm feeling 'fine' - with fine being 'in the happy side of the spectrum of emotions', when I'm feeling 'bad' I forget all this and 99% of the time I'll end up twisting things in my head and making myself feel horrible. People might read this and think 'she's being attention seeking' or 'it's an act' or 'get over it' or similar. But when I'm feeling that horrible it's like I'm being sucked in by these emotions and it's really hard to see past it all, especially if I'm on my own or I don't think whoever I'm talking to really understands.

Fourthly, I'm a creature of habit and I'm really lazy (I didn't just realise this after 16 years). I mean, I'll make a playlist of music and listen to it on repeat for a very long time, even after I get sick of it because I think it's too much effort to find new music I like. This means that I listen to the same music when I'm feeling both happy and sad so it's hard to distinguish between the two and they get smushed together. It's probably not great considering how upset I can get by simple triggers but luckily, thus far, music has not triggered any extreme emotion, so yay.

It didn't seem right to end the post there so now I'm improvising more than usual since I never have an outro, well I don't have intros either but at least I'm consistent with them in that they are almost always of no relevance to the title and are about random things only I really understand. Although I think that if I read back I'd cringe and think 'why have I put this on the internet for all eternity?'.