time flies

I've just woken up despite sleeping late, I can't decide if this is a good thing or not since I've only gotten 7 hours and I usually need about 9 hours to be not cranky the whole day. I didn't wakeup feeling sad but nor did I wake up happy. It was more of an introspective, thoughtful mood. I'm not too sure what introspective means but I like to use big words, it makes me sound smarter.

I woke up and then a realisation hit me: in a matter of days, I'll be I'm Sixth Form and I'm already 16. For those of you that don't know, Sixth Form is the last two years of school before university where you take A level qualifications, since the law has changed with compulsory schooling until 17 there have been a lot more options offered, people can choose college where you don't have the structure of a school day and only go to lessons 3 days a week, you are also offered a wider range of subjects and qualifications that sixth forms may not. The last option is an apprenticeship, the government has allocated some money to be used to fund apprenticeships and offer more so that 16 year olds can choose a job that they want to pursue for the future. The way I understand it an apprenticeship is like learning on the job an you are paid, but not very much. Apprenticeships tend to be for hands on jobs that require more practice than theory for example plumbing.

So the realisation, I get these quite a lot and they always make me quite nervous and worried. I mean, Sixth Form is where I do my A Levels, and I have always seen Sixth Forms as one of my first goals. Also, the grades I get these next two years will affect the REST OF MY LIFE. Universities offer you a conditional place based on these grades and employers will look at them too, they probably don't care too much if you have a degree etc. but I don't know. Things have actually gotten serious now and that's scary. I mean my GCSEs last year were the first big exam thing I had to do and they are important since they are the key to good A levels (good GCSEs help you get into a good Sixth Form and the top schools ask for certain grades at GCSE to take them at A level and A levels get you into university which gets you a job) but it didn't feel this scary since I started the courses in Year 9 when I was 13, also I'd been at the school for 2 years before that and I only turned 16 at the start of summer near the end of exams. I can explain, but 16 is the first milestone birthday and in a year I'll be able to drive. All of this is so overwhelming and today seems to be one of those 'wow, time has gone by so quickly' moods and I'm just realising that I'm almost all grown up. It was also probably because Taylor Swift's Fifteen was playing when I woke up (I left my playlist on the help me sleep so when I fell asleep obviously I couldn't turn it off) and that song talks a bit about growing up.

I've always been so excited about Sixth Form, they are the oldest people in the school and you only take 4 or 5 for me, subjects so I can finally drop English! And it's mixed (I went to all girls for the last 5 years). But now I'm there I can't believe it, I don't even feel like a year 11. Well I do and I don't b I definitely don't feel like a Sixth Former or Year 12. Plus, I'm moving to a new school so I'm also a bit worried about making friends, it took me until the third year of secondary school to meet my now best friends and about 5 years in primary school to make good friends. I only have two years at this school then I'm off to university. That's another thing, before, university similar to Sixth Form, was this far off dream, I knew I'd get there someday but someday in a very long time so I have plenty of time to be irresponsible and young and dependent on my mum. But now it feels like I'm growing up so quickly and I simultaneously want to press pause and fast forward. I'm sure that both Sixth Form and university will be amazing and I'll learn a lot but this is where it gets serious and I'm not ready for that yet, I like having zero responsibilities, being able to live in a house, eat and spend money without needing a job to fund that.

Unlike usual, my anxieties haven't really faded or dissipated. I am excited but at the same time I don't want to grow up. I didn't really get this these last 5 years since I was miserable for the first two years at school when I made friends with the wrong girl who was mean to me then until the beginning of the last school year I was miserable about my home situation and focused on getting out (finishing school with good grades not running away and dropping out) then the beginning of this school year, from about the end of September to the end of March I was dealing with the fallout from my home stuff and didn't have time to think about anything else not even schoolwork that much, then after that I had to catch up anything I hadn't paid attention to or done in those 6 months then I had exams in May so before that was also preparation and revision even though in the end I did less than the bare minimum and probably don't deserve the grades I got. The last time I remember feeling like this was on the last day of Year 6. I'd finally made some good friends and was really happy and we had no responsibilities. I remember feeling at times that I wish I were still 7 and not 11 so I didn't have to move on and I knew less and understood less when I was younger so it was like I lived wrapped in cotton or something, s world seemed safe and harmless from the view of seven year old me.

loneliness

I was supposed to be asleep 47 minutes ago since it school is very soon but I can't sleep tonight for some reason and I don't know why. It's starting to annoy and stress me out since I don't want to mess up my newly established good sleeping pattern but its a vicious cycle: I can't sleep, worry that I'm not asleep which causes me to be able to sleep less. Let me clarify the 47 minutes thing, I started writing at 23:47, get it? Sorry, I don't even mean to sound sarcastic or condescending there.

Sometimes, I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sometimes hand-in-hand with that, the sense of how small I am compared to the world. You probably saw this coming, this was/is one of those times. I've been trying to sleep since about 11 but I was talking to an old school friend on Facebook and reading random rubbish on the Internet and around 40 past or 20 to, I tried to sleep, properly. I locked my iPad and put my head on my pillow, curled up and closed my eyes. That's when I got the feeling. In my dark quiet room, I just feel so alone, vulnerable and weak. Then I put on some music quietly. It didn't help that my loser older brother just got home from doing something with his friends. I feel, irrationally I know, like I have no one, no friends or family to rely on or to tie me to this country or even this life (I'm not trying to sound suicidal since I'm not, nor am I making light of as serious a topic as that) it's strange, I get the loneliness feeling quite a bit actually and it probably explains why I've always got a movie or tv show or music on since I don't like feeling lonely but nor do I like spending that much time with my family. Thing is, that feeling is always floating around in the background and I have this longing for acceptance, I think, I can't really describe that feeling, and when it comes to the forefront then I feel a bit sad because I don't particularly like feeling like this.

This is a worser time when I've felt like this since there's the feeling so tiny and vulnerable part too. I don't mean small in the physical sense even though I'm only 5ft 2.5" (THE HALF COUNTS, OK?). But I'm just one person in billions on this Earth. Not that I didn't already know this but let me explain: I've pretty much planned out the rest of my life, what degree I want to do, my job, hey, I think I've already said this but oh well, how long I want to work then what I want to do after I've retired and the family/social side too but that's irrelevant to what I'm trying to say. What I want to do after I've worked for around 25-30 years or possibly less if I earn more or something, is volunteer in poor countries and help people. I read an article about women's rights in some countries and how non existent they are and I've heard of how bad situations are in China (there's a whole other rant for that and I sound a bit racist so I may never publish that) and other countries so there's a wealth of possibilities there. Basically, my end aim is to change the world, or at least a small part of it, for example something that will impact a significant amount of people for the better in one country. I know, I know, I sound like the typical idealist naïve sixteen year old, but I truly believe that if I preserve and believe in myself enough I may just be ale to achieve this, but not alone obviously. I'm not sure if I actually made my point but that feeling of being so small makes me doubt if I may actually achieve these goals which is contradictory to what I've just said but I'm a very convoluted person so good luck to whoever I date/end up with. In addition to my doubts, I have this need to be in control, it makes me feel safer and I need that due to stuff that's happened at the beginning of this year. But I mean control in the sense that I can control what happens to me not control like I need to be in charge of everything I participate in, control of my future for example by studying and working hard to get to where I want to be. If I work hard and do well at school I will be able to follow the path I have chosen and I choose wether I want to put in the work just like I chose which of the six schools I wanted to go to for the next and last two years of my education before university. I apologise for the lack of eloquence in that last sentence, it's late and I'm tired.

I'm not too sure that you have really understood what I've said but I find that sometimes writing stuff out helps and this is blog is more for me than to attract a bunch of followers and become Internet famous. Maybe my friends who read this might understand, but maybe they won't since I say some strange things. It has made me feel a bit better and I figured out the control thing whilst writing the sentences before that, also, the glare from my iPad has made my eyes tired and I think I may fall asleep soon.

opposites attract

I've decided to try writing on my phone so I'm not sure how sucessful this will be since I have an HTC and I still haven't managed to get the hang of the autocorrect on it after using iPhone for the last 4 years. But I'm willing to try since once again I am out to London so I have a nice 40 minute train journey in which to write or attempt to write.

I'm not sure who I was talking to, I think it was my older brother but the saying is pretty common. I'm not really sure I believe this to be honest although my brothers logic was pretty good. His example was that if you're a confident person, you're likely to go talk to a shy and quiet person, like at a party a confident, outgoing person would be sutrounded with people making it harder to have conversation with them and more intimidating to join them. However, going up to a quiet person on their own is a lot less intimidating and much easier so that might be the option many people would choose. But I think that likes attract also, take me, I'm pretty talkative, actually I talk a lot and so a shy and quiet person who doesn't say a lot just annoys me a bit since conversations turn pretty one sided which isn't fun and makes me feel that the impression I'm giving is self involved and uncaring which is not who I am. Plus, I am one of those people who like to argue for no reason, I don't mean full blown angry arguments, but bickering about insignificant small things, I find it pretty amusing and fun. So my opposite wouldn't which would mean they are not a good match for me, obviously you don't need to be that picky about friends since you generally have more than one but this is more boyfriend or girlfriend (boyfriend for me since I'm straight).

I've just realised that I don't really want to kill my phone battery on the train journey so I'm going to cut short this post and I may come back and add to it later.

summer of shorts

This is one of the scenarios I imagined for the summer: me sitting on a train to London with my iPad and writing. That was one of the ways I'd planned to make up the billion posts I'd missed but I was a lot busier than I expected and I just didn't have the inclination to write. However, it seems that I suddenly have a lot to say and have started to really like writing again so lucky you!

The title is pretty self explanatory but I will explain anyway. At the start of summer when I saw how lovely the weather was I decided that this would be my 'summer of shorts'. I decided that through my whole 10 week (I think) summer I would not wear any of my jeans and would only wear skirts, shorts and dresses any time I went out. Some people may think this is a little strange but I live in England, usually our summers are a lot like today -grey and wet and not warm. Therefore at the slightest hint of sun all teenagers put on their short shorts and pretend that it's a lot warmer than it is. In addition to this, I spent the whole of my last summer working and for about 4 of those 6 weeks it was actually lovely and sunny so I missed out. Plus, I love shopping and I buy a lot of the clothes, even during the depths of winter I will but a pretty skirt or dress or a pair of shorts if I like them then I spend months on end wishing that it will be warm enough for me to wear them which obviously it won't be so I just keep trying them on at home and making a ton of different outfits, I know, my life sounds like so much fun.

For the most part, my little 'plan' has not been hard since there have only been a handful of dreary wet days and I hadn't planned on leaving the house on those days anyway. However, today for example I urgently need to go to London (well I have to return something since I don't want to pay for shipping and they only open half a week and next weekend will be the end of my return period) and its not great weather but determined as I am, I am wearing short shorts, a sleeveless top with a thin raincoat and my cute new spotty ankle wellies. I would take a picture since I'm sure you care that much but I am on a train packed with people so it is a bit too difficult.

I wasn't sure when I was going to publish this post since my iPad is wifi only and I don't want to kill my phone battery using it as a wifi hotspot but turns out my train has wifi. Wow, bet you didn't expect that. Oh, turns out I have to pay since I'm not first class so I'm using my phone hotspot instead, obviously.

results day

I've decided that this will be my last post then I will attempt to sleep. Also, this will make 3 meaning that it doesn't matter if I forget/have no time to write another post this week amongst school shopping and preparation and seeing friends and bouncing around with excitement (I reaaaaaaaalllllllllyyyy wanted to go this school -this will make more sense when I write the next bit).

I'd been dreading results day so I just refused to think about it until the week leading up yesterday. During study leave I spent my days online shopping, reading (romance novels) and going to the gym. I know especially for my sciences that I should have done a whole lot more revision and preparation am study for them. Instead I just skimmed through 2/3 of the online specification and random chunks of the revision guides in the car journey to school. Then during the exam it came to bite me and I really struggled and couldn't answer questions properly since I knew I'd learnt it I just could recall and apply it since I hadn't revised so I ha to leave out quite a few questions. This is especially bad because I knew I needed at least an A to be able to study Chemistry and Biology at sixth form. The thing is, I'm what I call naturally smart, not a lot but to the level where most class work for all my subjects (except English) is very easy for me, I find it easy to learn and understand the things that we are taught and my memory is pretty good -I can read an article and remember most of it and whole sentences verbatim. So I have it pretty easy in school which made me a bit cocky and lazy during study leave, brilliant I know. So in the 6 weeks plus from my exams to results day I'd managed to convince myself I'd failed sciences and would have to change my life plan (I've figured out what degree I want to take, then job, then how long I work before I retire, what I want to do during retirement, when I want to be married and when I want children) and chemistry was pretty important but I had a backup plan-history. I was pretty confident I had at least an A since this summers exams were for half the course since I'd taken one exam and done the 25% coursework and averaged A* overall.

The night before I'd managed to work myself up to the point where I had to go for a run close to midnight to relax and tire myself out enough to sleep. Then in the morning I was too agitated and nervous to eat or hold conversation or focus on a task for a significant time (I usually read in the 30minute drive to school). However, despite my misgivings I'd gotten really really good grades, especially for the amount of work I put in. Additionally I surpassed all the conditional offers from all 6 schools I'd applied to and got the place at my first choice school which I will be attending in a couple of weeks. Woah, that's a scary thought. I got an A in all of my sciences, impressive huh? A* in history and C in art. I mention only these subjects because I don't see the point in listing all my results in an annoying Facebook show-off-y way. I mentioned art because I was pleasantly surprised, shortly after the deadline for submission my teacher rang me up and told me that I'd not submitted in enough work to get a good grade, the specification required 2 projects and I submitted one and one tenth of the other so I'd thought that I would've been given a D or E which would've been fair given the circumstances plus, that was my only C! And I only got 3 Bs (we grammar school students are told that Bs aren't good enough so whilst others are happy to get Bs we all complain that we didn't get As and A*s, it's wrong, I know but...)

I think that's it and I may finally be getting drowsy, night!

contradictions

Since its been so long since I've even logged onto my blog I just opened up the web page to see what you, my many readers, see every time you log on for another scintillating tid bit of my life. (Most people who haven't met me and some who have may not have picked up on the sarcasm just now, I'm not that big headed.) Anyways, I was looking through and realised that a) I dislike the overly bright greens b) I dislike the fonts c) my bio doesn't sound all that coherent and is very contradictory, which coincidentally is the focus of the post.

I've realised that I'm quite a conduction person. For example the bio, I've written that I like lounging about doing nothing which is true but I also dislike having nothing to do. Let me explain, I like to keep myself busy in the holidays because I don't want to waste my time when I could be doing something more productive, last summer I crammed 5 weeks of work experience and a 5 day summer school course into my 6 week summer holiday and this summer I did a 3 week activity scheme thing, 3 days of work experience and I accepted a job on Friday and Saturday nights (which I have since quit but that's a whole other story). But at the same time I also really enjoy days of lazing about and having nothing to do, I'm also quite a lazy person. (Not sure how that really fits in). Another contradiction is that's have an inability to keep my room tidy, right now, it is a dump, literally. I have little cleared circles of floor that act as stepping stones, no joke. But there are certain places that I still keep meticulously neat eg. my wardrobe-I keep this neat by never hanging up clothes or putting away clean laundry. Oh and for the subjects I care about (sciences, maths, religious studies) my exercise books are kept very neat and organised and up to date with a very consistent style and even ink colour. Otherwise I spent the lesson moaning and complaining and annoying my friend sitting next to me.

There really wasn't any reason behind this post, this is one of those 'interesting' observation I enjoy sharing with my ever shrinking audience.

hiya

Apologies for the neglect. But you, my two remaining maybe readers (my friends who I hope have not given up and assume this is one of those projects that I never follow through on) will be pleased to know that I have made a few decisions regarding this blog. Firstly and most importantly, instead of such a large amount of posts I will aim for maybe 2 or 3 posts a week. I decided that I would take the summer to relax and prepare for sixth form, which is my poor excuse for not writing. But also, my laptop charger broke so in my defence it has made it harder since I struggle to stay at my desk and use my computer for long periods during the holidays, especially since it has been so hot. However, I have recently bought an iPad so it might make posting easier but I'm not sure how easy it is type large volumes of text on a touchscreen so we'll see. Erm, I think those two were the decisions I was referring to so I'll end my 'intro' there. Oh, and I'll be starting sixth form and I want to do well so I will be spending the majority of my time studying etc. to make sure I get the grades I want.

Hmm, I generally use this blog to complain and talk about random mundane topics so I might do a quick summary of my summer instead. There really wasn't a point to that sentence, apologies. I can't remember if I've mentioned this but I spent the first 3 days of July doing work experience at the House of Lords, then a week and a half later I started my 3 weeks of NCS. After that I spent some time sleeping and resting and lazing about the house. Then I realised I'd gained some weight from all the junk food I was eating during those three weeks and spent a week doing intense exercise and generally being unhealthy, just in the opposite way. After that I've been trying to find a healthier approach to losing weight and then meeting up with friends coming back from holiday and then panicking about results day. That was a fun time. Results day was yesterday now and the night before I couldn't stop freaking out so I decided that I'd go for a run at 11:30pm. I do this every so often-go running at inappropriate times-and every time I start imagining creepy stalkers and supernatural beings coming after me or lurking in the shadows and tell myself to not do it again but I still find myself out running late at night a few months later. I think it's worth noting that I struggle and rarely try to follow imposed 'rules' or restrictions, even if they are set by myself and logically I understand the importance of them. 

I think I'll leave the actual results to my next post. I can't sleep, which is why I'm writing at 5am so expect at least another post. I think it's because I slept earlier on in the day when I was tired and after I stay up to a certain time I can't sleep until morning. Plus, I watched some JacksGap and Zoella videos on YouTube and they made me want to do something. Especially JacksGap, I want to be able to help the less fortunate and watching some of their videos are really inspiring, plus the fact that they became Internet famous from a hobby.

Sorry, originally the order was supposed to be this, contractions then results day all posted around 5am which is why I talk about why I can't sleep but I'm not sure what I've done on the blogger app to mess this up.