I think that I want to change this blog. I want it to just be a place where I occasionally write to figure things out and be almost like a diary. I do have a diary but I like having this here and it also means that if I lose my diary (fire etc.) I will still be able to look back at how I was when I was 15 and 16, ten or twenty years from now. Not sure why I'd want my diary to be in the public domain and never fully erasable but not many people that I know, know about this so I guess it's fine.
I just wrote a few pages in my diary in a bid to feel better but it didn't work. If anything, it made me feel worse because before I wrote I was feeling a bit sad with a heavy feeling in my chest but as I was writing I started to cry. Actually, that could be a good thing because it means I'm 'letting some of the feelings out' which is supposedly good. I'm not sure I agree since I usually cry so hard that I get all snotty, give myself a headache and my eyes start looking puffy and red and not like me.
I don't know. Lately I've been feeling so horrible and I can't pinpoint a solid reason for this and I HATE IT. I HATE feeling so 'heavy' and numb or sad and upset and I especially hate that I don't know how to feel better. It's been a long time since I've felt truly happy and 'lighter' for a period of time longer than a few hours. I mean, I'll chat with my best friends or cousin or the teachers at school and feel better for a short-ish while. But after a few hours or a day the heavyness or numbess comes back.
Not to make light of it, but maybe I have proper depression - isn't it called clinical depression? I don't know. I just want something, anything to make me feel any of the spectrum of happy and good emotions. (Although after a few weeks of A level Ethics I don't even know what good is anymore). I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, I've been crying and getting upset, a lot. I mean, I do go days without crying, but that's not really an achievement, is it? It should be the other way around - where crying is an abnormal event, not as I am right now when the best days are those that I feel nothing and don't get upset. Those are far too rare and far between for me.
I feel like I have this massive barrage of negative, upsetting emotions, just waiting for when I start to feel just a tiny bit bad to come out and make whatever negative emotion I'm feeling ten or twenty times worse. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to keep 'coping' if that's even what I'm doing. I'm a bit worried about what I'll resort to, to even feel a shred of happiness soon. I don't want to end up being one of those cases where a teenager cuts, or drinks, or takes drugs or becomes slutty to make themselves think that they feel a bit better. But I'm afraid that soon that's the only option I'll have.
