drifting

I've noticed that I've been a little hypocritical lately. Well, to be fair, I'm always hypocritical but especially so, this time. We were talking in philosophy about how the news only ever reports bad things: accidents, economic crisis, crimes etc. and if you think about it, it's quite true, which is also what I thought in the lesson. Although, now that I think about it, it's not entirely true, but no, I'm going to pretend it is so this makes sense. So the part about being hypocritical is that I really disagreed with that and I've always lived my life trying to be happy and focus only on good things etc. However, I've realised that the only times I 'document' things in my life, they're not particularly good things. Like my last post or diary entry, or this post I'm about to write. Just thought I'd throw it out there...

I was showering and thinking about stuff and I got this feeling (not from my shower) that I've just been drifting along lately, metaphorically. I go to school, go through the motions of my lessons, eat, sleep, repeat - not in that order. Like I feel like I don't really have my place and I don't belong anywhere, most of the time I prefer being on my own which I find a bit weird.

I don't think that I really completely looked at every angle when I declared that I would move school this time last year. Now that I'm here, I've realised how many things I didn't think through properly, I only focused on the advantages and refused to see the reasons why so many people choose to stay at their schools for the last two years of schooling. I didn't see how completely my life would change, I didn't see that I would not know anyone and would be around no one I knew and not have any kind of safety blanket or group of friends to go to, I would have to speak to people and make friends. I also didn't realise that I wouldn't be able to make friends as easily as I did with my two besets friends that I met a few years ago at my old school. I didn't take into account the extra pressure from just the harder level of work and being at an even more academic school. Or that I'd be in unfamiliar surroundings with different teachers.

I don't think it helps that I've been dealing with a lot of stuff outside of school which makes it a bit difficult. Since I don't really know anyone that well I don't feel comfortable telling people really personal things and I don't even know who I would choose to talk to even if I did. The worst thing would be if I told someone and they just thought that I told them for pity or sympathy or attention. Saying that though, I didn't give some of these sixteen year old boys enough credit. I did open up to a couple of friends (they caught me at a weak moment) and if anything, they listened and tried to offer constructive advice or just cheer me up and distract me. Obviously they probably couldn't really understand or empathise unless they were in a similar situation. They do seem to care about me, sometimes at least. It's like that thing where people say you know who your friends are when you're going through bad things. That's the thing though, I never know what to do with myself when I'm 'fine'.

reflecting

I was just about to start my homework and so in the spirit of procrastination I opened up everything I would possibly need for my homework - textbooks, moodle (this online thing where they post homework and lesson stuff), my school email and planner. I then started to make a list of all the homework that I have a very small amount of time to complete for school tomorrow that I ignored for all of half term when I started reflecting on some stuff. I know, groundbreaking stuff right here.

I realised that I have no idea what's going on in all of my classes right now and I've fallen very behind because I pretty much missed the last three days before half term. This then led me to think of why I'd missed all those classes and led to this reflective stream of consciousness. It's strange when I think of how upset I got at different times over the last week and bit since I was told that I need a biopsy and I've come to a few realisations. 

First, sometimes I take advantage of the special treatment I get (from my school) because of all the stuff that's happened and I slack and get lazy and don't do my homework. I think, they meant that it's understandable that I might not get work done because I'll be having to go to a few medical appointments which could upset me if its bad news or something major that I'll get worried about or if I get really down about any of this 'stuff' (I don't feel the need to give details since a) that would be a post and a half in itself and b) I don't want pity or anything and c) it's not necessary in the context of this post, I feel) clearly, those are good reasons for why I won't have done work since I'll be busy or distracted and not able to do homework. However, I'm feeling a bit guilty because I could have not done so much stuff with my friends or so much lazing around eating dark chocolate chips and done some of this homework that I am still not doing. 

Secondly, my emotions seems to operate by an 'all or nothing' principle. Let me explain, when I get upset, I get really really really upset - think hysterical crying to the point of being sick and migraine, or I'll be quite bubbly and happy to the annoying degree, but that's kind of my usual personality so... OR I'll just be neutral or nothing or numb and not feel much, this one has two halves, the good halve where I'm just neutral and nothing so I'm not upset or sad really but not uber happy either, a bit like how I'm feeling now. The bad halve is either before or after I feel really down when I'm feeling numb and nothing and I really don't like it because I just get this really dull, heavy feeling and I'll either get really upset following this or have been really upset and who really likes to get upset?

Thirdly, for the most part I only get really upset by triggers. This would be a good thing, except that these triggers cover a wide range of things because of all my issues so someone could say something and a normal person would see the proper meaning behind and not feel much but I'll interpret in a really bad way and I start thinking bad things and feeling really horrible and get really upset but it's really hard for me to see that it's just my brain making these things up and that's not what the person intended. Even though I notice this when I'm feeling 'fine' - with fine being 'in the happy side of the spectrum of emotions', when I'm feeling 'bad' I forget all this and 99% of the time I'll end up twisting things in my head and making myself feel horrible. People might read this and think 'she's being attention seeking' or 'it's an act' or 'get over it' or similar. But when I'm feeling that horrible it's like I'm being sucked in by these emotions and it's really hard to see past it all, especially if I'm on my own or I don't think whoever I'm talking to really understands.

Fourthly, I'm a creature of habit and I'm really lazy (I didn't just realise this after 16 years). I mean, I'll make a playlist of music and listen to it on repeat for a very long time, even after I get sick of it because I think it's too much effort to find new music I like. This means that I listen to the same music when I'm feeling both happy and sad so it's hard to distinguish between the two and they get smushed together. It's probably not great considering how upset I can get by simple triggers but luckily, thus far, music has not triggered any extreme emotion, so yay.

It didn't seem right to end the post there so now I'm improvising more than usual since I never have an outro, well I don't have intros either but at least I'm consistent with them in that they are almost always of no relevance to the title and are about random things only I really understand. Although I think that if I read back I'd cringe and think 'why have I put this on the internet for all eternity?'.

numbness

I think that I want to change this blog. I want it to just be a place where I occasionally write to figure things out and be almost like a diary. I do have a diary but I like having this here and it also means that if I lose my diary (fire etc.) I will still be able to look back at how I was when I was 15 and 16, ten or twenty years from now. Not sure why I'd want my diary to be in the public domain and never fully erasable but not many people that I know, know about this so I guess it's fine.

I just wrote a few pages in my diary in a bid to feel better but it didn't work. If anything, it made me feel worse because before I wrote I was feeling a bit sad with a heavy feeling in my chest but as I was writing I started to cry. Actually, that could be a good thing because it means I'm 'letting some of the feelings out' which is supposedly good. I'm not sure I agree since I usually cry so hard that I get all snotty, give myself a headache and my eyes start looking puffy and red and not like me.

I don't know. Lately I've been feeling so horrible and I can't pinpoint a solid reason for this and I HATE IT. I HATE feeling so 'heavy' and numb or sad and upset and I especially hate that I don't know how to feel better. It's been a long time since I've felt truly happy and 'lighter' for a period of time longer than a few hours. I mean, I'll chat with my best friends or cousin or the teachers at school and feel better for a short-ish while. But after a few hours or a day the heavyness or numbess comes back.

Not to make light of it, but maybe I have proper depression - isn't it called clinical depression? I don't know. I just want something, anything to make me feel any of the spectrum of happy and good emotions. (Although after a few weeks of A level Ethics I don't even know what good is anymore). I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, I've been crying and getting upset, a lot. I mean, I do go days without crying, but that's not really an achievement, is it? It should be the other way around - where crying is an abnormal event, not as I am right now when the best days are those that I feel nothing and don't get upset. Those are far too rare and far between for me.

I feel like I have this massive barrage of negative, upsetting emotions, just waiting for when I start to feel just a tiny bit bad to come out and make whatever negative emotion I'm feeling ten or twenty times worse. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to keep 'coping' if that's even what I'm doing. I'm a bit worried about what I'll resort to, to even feel a shred of happiness soon. I don't want to end up being one of those cases where a teenager cuts, or drinks, or takes drugs or becomes slutty to make themselves think that they feel a bit better. But I'm afraid that soon that's the only option I'll have.

feeling blue

I've found that sometimes, writing stuff out on here makes me feel better or helps me to better understand something so that is what I'm doing. Therefore, forgive me if I do not make any sense since I don't really understand it myself so I'll hardly be able to explain this whatever it is coherently and clearly.

I can't really pin point the exact time but I've started to feel a bit blue this evening. I have 'made' a scale to 'track' my 'mood swings'. So there's depressed which is the saddest, upset, sad and feeling blue/down. I think it started around 8pm this evening when I was showering. I'm not sure what I was thinking about but those thoughts obviously weren't in the happy region. I don't know, it stared with a fun bout of insecurity -do my new 'friends' actually like me? What about the girls I've not really spoken to? Do they hate me because I've made friends with guys and they haven't really? What about my best friends? Have they found a better friend to replace me now? Thoughts like these kept swirling about in my head and bringing down my mood. I stayed at the 'feeling down/blue' level for the rest of the evening but it slowly got 'downer'. I'd texted a friend I'd been neglecting a bit lately and sometimes the rubbish he spouts amuses me at the least or the cheesy stuff he says that I don't really think he means makes me smile but I didn't feel anything and just wished I could end the conversation or not reply. However I don't really work like that and had to reply. The conversation just added to my bad mood. Then whilst I was chatting with one of my best friends she said that she couldn't meet this weekend (we'd decided that all of us would meet at least once a month so we don't drift apart and not be friends anymore) and I felt really disappointed. I'd wanted to see her this weekend but homework and possible plans with my new potential friends kept me occupied and she was also busy. I spent the rest of the evening this way and 4 hours later I'm still not feeling happier. It's strange because I'm never usually like this, I'm usually in the 'very happy' parts, 'normal' or 'upset'. I don't visit 'feeling down' a lot and I don't like it, plus it's usually quite easier for me to break these moods and feel happy again but it's just not happening tonight.

I guess there could be a lot to attribute to this mood. Firstly, I stayed up reading and only got 3 hours sleep last night so I had a Starbucks early in the morning (caffeine early in the morning, on a near empty stomach and after zero sleep makes me feel weird), plus, I'm on antibiotics for an infection and these antibiotics made me feel bad last time I had them (its only a seven day course and I was desperate so that's why I haven't been to my doctor). Plus, I skipped lunch because I went to debate society during lunchtime, then I got home and went straight to badminton without eating. Plus, it's been rainy all day, I've been a bit cold and the sixth form common room was packed and loud and I inhaled cigarette smoke at the bus stop and got a headache. And, since I'm now at a mixed school spots and my hair and clothes are becoming important and stressing me out, especially since I just got a bunch of spots from this time of the month right when school started. Everything just seems to be well timed to mess with me today I guess...

Unfortunately writing hasn't really helped me tonight but I might as well post this since its written. Maybe I'll be better tomorrow after some sleep and food. Hopefully I will be, I'm not particularly enjoying feeling like this.

excited

Don't judge me, but I'm excited for the first day of school tomorrow. It's still pretty warm at quarter to 11 at night and I can't sleep, well the heat and because I'm jittery and nervous and excited about school tomorrow, therefore, what better way to dispel these feelings and welcome sleep than to share it with the Internet and my few readers?

I had a 2 hour induction at my new school today and I was really nervous the night before that because I thought that I would meet all of my new classmates and have to make friends but end up making everyone hate me with my sarcastic comments. I tend to come off rude and big headed if people don't realise I'm being sarcastic so I probably don't give the best first impressions. So I got there and saw way too many girls for an all boys secondary school with a mixed sixth form and turns out that it was only e external students for the induction and I'd see the rest of the boys tomorrow. This reassured me a little. The teacher who gave me my information pack told me that everyone had to try to talk to three new people so that we would all try to socialise instead of stand about eyeing each other awkwardly. I'd arrived a few minutes late so most people were there and I walked around, away from the teachers to find people to talk to. I went to two boys talking and they pretty much ignored me which wasn't great but luckily another boy who'd just finished his conversation came over and introduced himself, completing his three. We talked and he was a nice friendly guy who I can see myself becoming good friends with. I said about my miserable failure to compete the challenge and he pointed out two girls who just happened to be walking past, one who is in my form coincidentally. We chatted then got called into a welcome talk from the head, head of sixth form etc.

Then we were split off into our tutor groups and taken on a tour of the school. To my disappointment there were only two boys in the group and eight girls including me. Luckily there will be the other half of the form tomorrow all of which will be boys which is brilliant. I know how I am coming off especially moving from an all girls school after 5 years to an all boys mixed sixth form but I'm not that desperate, I swear. So I was the second person out the door in our group and the first was the better looking of the two boys, I tried to strike up conversation but he replied then walked over to the other boy. Rude. Our group ended up split into pairs and I was with the girl I'd spoken to earlier. She strikes me as the quiet type and I'm not sure she really understood my sarcasm when I made a joke about our awkward year 13 tour guide so I talked a lot less than I usually would if I were around someone I was comfortable with. We went to form and met our tutor, he talked about a few things then answered questions we have before taking us back to the sixth form common area. We went to the wrong bit but the headmaster found us and took us outside to the picnic benches laid out with nice snack food. I went to a table with cookies and 3 other girls from my form joined us. It turned out that I'd somehow gotten into the 'Asian' group. We talked and ate and a few other girls joined us. One girl was really confident and talked a lot, a bit like me when I'm comfortable around people and know them a bit. I saw my year 6 friend and the guy who'd spoken to me earlier walk past and said hi. After a little while I got bored and went to talk to the boys before we were taken to a talk at the library. When it finished I walked out en realised I had to go back in to find the head of year 12 so she could take me to change my options, walking out was a big mistake as there was a very large flow of people trying to leave to go home. I got in to find a small group of boys standing around and the teacher I was looking for was busy talking so I lingered outside. One of the boys started talking to me and I'd met him at the social evening back in April since he was my year 6 friend's friend from the same school. Pretty soon the rest of the group introduced themselves and instead of saying 'nice to meet you' or some other peasantry I kept respecting my name. I'm not sure why since I wasn't even nervous. This was the group of boarders at the school, which is why they weren't trying to leave. I'd met another at the social evening since he was also from my old school and I can see myself becoming good friend with them since they are all nice and friendly and male, obviously. 

Nobody really wanted that much detail but I'm tired and accidentally went into storybook mode. I never even explained that I'm excited to meet all the new people and see if I can make friends with anyone or reconnect with my other year 6 friend who moved to this school when I moved to my all girls. The other friend stayed at the school we were at which had a primary school, secondary and sixth form. Plus, maybe I'll spot a few hot guys since they were few and far between today (this is one of my hobbies).

I promise I am not boy crazy after 5 years of being at an all girls, I just like to make not funny jokes and mean about 30% of this.

time flies

I've just woken up despite sleeping late, I can't decide if this is a good thing or not since I've only gotten 7 hours and I usually need about 9 hours to be not cranky the whole day. I didn't wakeup feeling sad but nor did I wake up happy. It was more of an introspective, thoughtful mood. I'm not too sure what introspective means but I like to use big words, it makes me sound smarter.

I woke up and then a realisation hit me: in a matter of days, I'll be I'm Sixth Form and I'm already 16. For those of you that don't know, Sixth Form is the last two years of school before university where you take A level qualifications, since the law has changed with compulsory schooling until 17 there have been a lot more options offered, people can choose college where you don't have the structure of a school day and only go to lessons 3 days a week, you are also offered a wider range of subjects and qualifications that sixth forms may not. The last option is an apprenticeship, the government has allocated some money to be used to fund apprenticeships and offer more so that 16 year olds can choose a job that they want to pursue for the future. The way I understand it an apprenticeship is like learning on the job an you are paid, but not very much. Apprenticeships tend to be for hands on jobs that require more practice than theory for example plumbing.

So the realisation, I get these quite a lot and they always make me quite nervous and worried. I mean, Sixth Form is where I do my A Levels, and I have always seen Sixth Forms as one of my first goals. Also, the grades I get these next two years will affect the REST OF MY LIFE. Universities offer you a conditional place based on these grades and employers will look at them too, they probably don't care too much if you have a degree etc. but I don't know. Things have actually gotten serious now and that's scary. I mean my GCSEs last year were the first big exam thing I had to do and they are important since they are the key to good A levels (good GCSEs help you get into a good Sixth Form and the top schools ask for certain grades at GCSE to take them at A level and A levels get you into university which gets you a job) but it didn't feel this scary since I started the courses in Year 9 when I was 13, also I'd been at the school for 2 years before that and I only turned 16 at the start of summer near the end of exams. I can explain, but 16 is the first milestone birthday and in a year I'll be able to drive. All of this is so overwhelming and today seems to be one of those 'wow, time has gone by so quickly' moods and I'm just realising that I'm almost all grown up. It was also probably because Taylor Swift's Fifteen was playing when I woke up (I left my playlist on the help me sleep so when I fell asleep obviously I couldn't turn it off) and that song talks a bit about growing up.

I've always been so excited about Sixth Form, they are the oldest people in the school and you only take 4 or 5 for me, subjects so I can finally drop English! And it's mixed (I went to all girls for the last 5 years). But now I'm there I can't believe it, I don't even feel like a year 11. Well I do and I don't b I definitely don't feel like a Sixth Former or Year 12. Plus, I'm moving to a new school so I'm also a bit worried about making friends, it took me until the third year of secondary school to meet my now best friends and about 5 years in primary school to make good friends. I only have two years at this school then I'm off to university. That's another thing, before, university similar to Sixth Form, was this far off dream, I knew I'd get there someday but someday in a very long time so I have plenty of time to be irresponsible and young and dependent on my mum. But now it feels like I'm growing up so quickly and I simultaneously want to press pause and fast forward. I'm sure that both Sixth Form and university will be amazing and I'll learn a lot but this is where it gets serious and I'm not ready for that yet, I like having zero responsibilities, being able to live in a house, eat and spend money without needing a job to fund that.

Unlike usual, my anxieties haven't really faded or dissipated. I am excited but at the same time I don't want to grow up. I didn't really get this these last 5 years since I was miserable for the first two years at school when I made friends with the wrong girl who was mean to me then until the beginning of the last school year I was miserable about my home situation and focused on getting out (finishing school with good grades not running away and dropping out) then the beginning of this school year, from about the end of September to the end of March I was dealing with the fallout from my home stuff and didn't have time to think about anything else not even schoolwork that much, then after that I had to catch up anything I hadn't paid attention to or done in those 6 months then I had exams in May so before that was also preparation and revision even though in the end I did less than the bare minimum and probably don't deserve the grades I got. The last time I remember feeling like this was on the last day of Year 6. I'd finally made some good friends and was really happy and we had no responsibilities. I remember feeling at times that I wish I were still 7 and not 11 so I didn't have to move on and I knew less and understood less when I was younger so it was like I lived wrapped in cotton or something, s world seemed safe and harmless from the view of seven year old me.

loneliness

I was supposed to be asleep 47 minutes ago since it school is very soon but I can't sleep tonight for some reason and I don't know why. It's starting to annoy and stress me out since I don't want to mess up my newly established good sleeping pattern but its a vicious cycle: I can't sleep, worry that I'm not asleep which causes me to be able to sleep less. Let me clarify the 47 minutes thing, I started writing at 23:47, get it? Sorry, I don't even mean to sound sarcastic or condescending there.

Sometimes, I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sometimes hand-in-hand with that, the sense of how small I am compared to the world. You probably saw this coming, this was/is one of those times. I've been trying to sleep since about 11 but I was talking to an old school friend on Facebook and reading random rubbish on the Internet and around 40 past or 20 to, I tried to sleep, properly. I locked my iPad and put my head on my pillow, curled up and closed my eyes. That's when I got the feeling. In my dark quiet room, I just feel so alone, vulnerable and weak. Then I put on some music quietly. It didn't help that my loser older brother just got home from doing something with his friends. I feel, irrationally I know, like I have no one, no friends or family to rely on or to tie me to this country or even this life (I'm not trying to sound suicidal since I'm not, nor am I making light of as serious a topic as that) it's strange, I get the loneliness feeling quite a bit actually and it probably explains why I've always got a movie or tv show or music on since I don't like feeling lonely but nor do I like spending that much time with my family. Thing is, that feeling is always floating around in the background and I have this longing for acceptance, I think, I can't really describe that feeling, and when it comes to the forefront then I feel a bit sad because I don't particularly like feeling like this.

This is a worser time when I've felt like this since there's the feeling so tiny and vulnerable part too. I don't mean small in the physical sense even though I'm only 5ft 2.5" (THE HALF COUNTS, OK?). But I'm just one person in billions on this Earth. Not that I didn't already know this but let me explain: I've pretty much planned out the rest of my life, what degree I want to do, my job, hey, I think I've already said this but oh well, how long I want to work then what I want to do after I've retired and the family/social side too but that's irrelevant to what I'm trying to say. What I want to do after I've worked for around 25-30 years or possibly less if I earn more or something, is volunteer in poor countries and help people. I read an article about women's rights in some countries and how non existent they are and I've heard of how bad situations are in China (there's a whole other rant for that and I sound a bit racist so I may never publish that) and other countries so there's a wealth of possibilities there. Basically, my end aim is to change the world, or at least a small part of it, for example something that will impact a significant amount of people for the better in one country. I know, I know, I sound like the typical idealist naïve sixteen year old, but I truly believe that if I preserve and believe in myself enough I may just be ale to achieve this, but not alone obviously. I'm not sure if I actually made my point but that feeling of being so small makes me doubt if I may actually achieve these goals which is contradictory to what I've just said but I'm a very convoluted person so good luck to whoever I date/end up with. In addition to my doubts, I have this need to be in control, it makes me feel safer and I need that due to stuff that's happened at the beginning of this year. But I mean control in the sense that I can control what happens to me not control like I need to be in charge of everything I participate in, control of my future for example by studying and working hard to get to where I want to be. If I work hard and do well at school I will be able to follow the path I have chosen and I choose wether I want to put in the work just like I chose which of the six schools I wanted to go to for the next and last two years of my education before university. I apologise for the lack of eloquence in that last sentence, it's late and I'm tired.

I'm not too sure that you have really understood what I've said but I find that sometimes writing stuff out helps and this is blog is more for me than to attract a bunch of followers and become Internet famous. Maybe my friends who read this might understand, but maybe they won't since I say some strange things. It has made me feel a bit better and I figured out the control thing whilst writing the sentences before that, also, the glare from my iPad has made my eyes tired and I think I may fall asleep soon.

opposites attract

I've decided to try writing on my phone so I'm not sure how sucessful this will be since I have an HTC and I still haven't managed to get the hang of the autocorrect on it after using iPhone for the last 4 years. But I'm willing to try since once again I am out to London so I have a nice 40 minute train journey in which to write or attempt to write.

I'm not sure who I was talking to, I think it was my older brother but the saying is pretty common. I'm not really sure I believe this to be honest although my brothers logic was pretty good. His example was that if you're a confident person, you're likely to go talk to a shy and quiet person, like at a party a confident, outgoing person would be sutrounded with people making it harder to have conversation with them and more intimidating to join them. However, going up to a quiet person on their own is a lot less intimidating and much easier so that might be the option many people would choose. But I think that likes attract also, take me, I'm pretty talkative, actually I talk a lot and so a shy and quiet person who doesn't say a lot just annoys me a bit since conversations turn pretty one sided which isn't fun and makes me feel that the impression I'm giving is self involved and uncaring which is not who I am. Plus, I am one of those people who like to argue for no reason, I don't mean full blown angry arguments, but bickering about insignificant small things, I find it pretty amusing and fun. So my opposite wouldn't which would mean they are not a good match for me, obviously you don't need to be that picky about friends since you generally have more than one but this is more boyfriend or girlfriend (boyfriend for me since I'm straight).

I've just realised that I don't really want to kill my phone battery on the train journey so I'm going to cut short this post and I may come back and add to it later.

summer of shorts

This is one of the scenarios I imagined for the summer: me sitting on a train to London with my iPad and writing. That was one of the ways I'd planned to make up the billion posts I'd missed but I was a lot busier than I expected and I just didn't have the inclination to write. However, it seems that I suddenly have a lot to say and have started to really like writing again so lucky you!

The title is pretty self explanatory but I will explain anyway. At the start of summer when I saw how lovely the weather was I decided that this would be my 'summer of shorts'. I decided that through my whole 10 week (I think) summer I would not wear any of my jeans and would only wear skirts, shorts and dresses any time I went out. Some people may think this is a little strange but I live in England, usually our summers are a lot like today -grey and wet and not warm. Therefore at the slightest hint of sun all teenagers put on their short shorts and pretend that it's a lot warmer than it is. In addition to this, I spent the whole of my last summer working and for about 4 of those 6 weeks it was actually lovely and sunny so I missed out. Plus, I love shopping and I buy a lot of the clothes, even during the depths of winter I will but a pretty skirt or dress or a pair of shorts if I like them then I spend months on end wishing that it will be warm enough for me to wear them which obviously it won't be so I just keep trying them on at home and making a ton of different outfits, I know, my life sounds like so much fun.

For the most part, my little 'plan' has not been hard since there have only been a handful of dreary wet days and I hadn't planned on leaving the house on those days anyway. However, today for example I urgently need to go to London (well I have to return something since I don't want to pay for shipping and they only open half a week and next weekend will be the end of my return period) and its not great weather but determined as I am, I am wearing short shorts, a sleeveless top with a thin raincoat and my cute new spotty ankle wellies. I would take a picture since I'm sure you care that much but I am on a train packed with people so it is a bit too difficult.

I wasn't sure when I was going to publish this post since my iPad is wifi only and I don't want to kill my phone battery using it as a wifi hotspot but turns out my train has wifi. Wow, bet you didn't expect that. Oh, turns out I have to pay since I'm not first class so I'm using my phone hotspot instead, obviously.

results day

I've decided that this will be my last post then I will attempt to sleep. Also, this will make 3 meaning that it doesn't matter if I forget/have no time to write another post this week amongst school shopping and preparation and seeing friends and bouncing around with excitement (I reaaaaaaaalllllllllyyyy wanted to go this school -this will make more sense when I write the next bit).

I'd been dreading results day so I just refused to think about it until the week leading up yesterday. During study leave I spent my days online shopping, reading (romance novels) and going to the gym. I know especially for my sciences that I should have done a whole lot more revision and preparation am study for them. Instead I just skimmed through 2/3 of the online specification and random chunks of the revision guides in the car journey to school. Then during the exam it came to bite me and I really struggled and couldn't answer questions properly since I knew I'd learnt it I just could recall and apply it since I hadn't revised so I ha to leave out quite a few questions. This is especially bad because I knew I needed at least an A to be able to study Chemistry and Biology at sixth form. The thing is, I'm what I call naturally smart, not a lot but to the level where most class work for all my subjects (except English) is very easy for me, I find it easy to learn and understand the things that we are taught and my memory is pretty good -I can read an article and remember most of it and whole sentences verbatim. So I have it pretty easy in school which made me a bit cocky and lazy during study leave, brilliant I know. So in the 6 weeks plus from my exams to results day I'd managed to convince myself I'd failed sciences and would have to change my life plan (I've figured out what degree I want to take, then job, then how long I work before I retire, what I want to do during retirement, when I want to be married and when I want children) and chemistry was pretty important but I had a backup plan-history. I was pretty confident I had at least an A since this summers exams were for half the course since I'd taken one exam and done the 25% coursework and averaged A* overall.

The night before I'd managed to work myself up to the point where I had to go for a run close to midnight to relax and tire myself out enough to sleep. Then in the morning I was too agitated and nervous to eat or hold conversation or focus on a task for a significant time (I usually read in the 30minute drive to school). However, despite my misgivings I'd gotten really really good grades, especially for the amount of work I put in. Additionally I surpassed all the conditional offers from all 6 schools I'd applied to and got the place at my first choice school which I will be attending in a couple of weeks. Woah, that's a scary thought. I got an A in all of my sciences, impressive huh? A* in history and C in art. I mention only these subjects because I don't see the point in listing all my results in an annoying Facebook show-off-y way. I mentioned art because I was pleasantly surprised, shortly after the deadline for submission my teacher rang me up and told me that I'd not submitted in enough work to get a good grade, the specification required 2 projects and I submitted one and one tenth of the other so I'd thought that I would've been given a D or E which would've been fair given the circumstances plus, that was my only C! And I only got 3 Bs (we grammar school students are told that Bs aren't good enough so whilst others are happy to get Bs we all complain that we didn't get As and A*s, it's wrong, I know but...)

I think that's it and I may finally be getting drowsy, night!

contradictions

Since its been so long since I've even logged onto my blog I just opened up the web page to see what you, my many readers, see every time you log on for another scintillating tid bit of my life. (Most people who haven't met me and some who have may not have picked up on the sarcasm just now, I'm not that big headed.) Anyways, I was looking through and realised that a) I dislike the overly bright greens b) I dislike the fonts c) my bio doesn't sound all that coherent and is very contradictory, which coincidentally is the focus of the post.

I've realised that I'm quite a conduction person. For example the bio, I've written that I like lounging about doing nothing which is true but I also dislike having nothing to do. Let me explain, I like to keep myself busy in the holidays because I don't want to waste my time when I could be doing something more productive, last summer I crammed 5 weeks of work experience and a 5 day summer school course into my 6 week summer holiday and this summer I did a 3 week activity scheme thing, 3 days of work experience and I accepted a job on Friday and Saturday nights (which I have since quit but that's a whole other story). But at the same time I also really enjoy days of lazing about and having nothing to do, I'm also quite a lazy person. (Not sure how that really fits in). Another contradiction is that's have an inability to keep my room tidy, right now, it is a dump, literally. I have little cleared circles of floor that act as stepping stones, no joke. But there are certain places that I still keep meticulously neat eg. my wardrobe-I keep this neat by never hanging up clothes or putting away clean laundry. Oh and for the subjects I care about (sciences, maths, religious studies) my exercise books are kept very neat and organised and up to date with a very consistent style and even ink colour. Otherwise I spent the lesson moaning and complaining and annoying my friend sitting next to me.

There really wasn't any reason behind this post, this is one of those 'interesting' observation I enjoy sharing with my ever shrinking audience.

hiya

Apologies for the neglect. But you, my two remaining maybe readers (my friends who I hope have not given up and assume this is one of those projects that I never follow through on) will be pleased to know that I have made a few decisions regarding this blog. Firstly and most importantly, instead of such a large amount of posts I will aim for maybe 2 or 3 posts a week. I decided that I would take the summer to relax and prepare for sixth form, which is my poor excuse for not writing. But also, my laptop charger broke so in my defence it has made it harder since I struggle to stay at my desk and use my computer for long periods during the holidays, especially since it has been so hot. However, I have recently bought an iPad so it might make posting easier but I'm not sure how easy it is type large volumes of text on a touchscreen so we'll see. Erm, I think those two were the decisions I was referring to so I'll end my 'intro' there. Oh, and I'll be starting sixth form and I want to do well so I will be spending the majority of my time studying etc. to make sure I get the grades I want.

Hmm, I generally use this blog to complain and talk about random mundane topics so I might do a quick summary of my summer instead. There really wasn't a point to that sentence, apologies. I can't remember if I've mentioned this but I spent the first 3 days of July doing work experience at the House of Lords, then a week and a half later I started my 3 weeks of NCS. After that I spent some time sleeping and resting and lazing about the house. Then I realised I'd gained some weight from all the junk food I was eating during those three weeks and spent a week doing intense exercise and generally being unhealthy, just in the opposite way. After that I've been trying to find a healthier approach to losing weight and then meeting up with friends coming back from holiday and then panicking about results day. That was a fun time. Results day was yesterday now and the night before I couldn't stop freaking out so I decided that I'd go for a run at 11:30pm. I do this every so often-go running at inappropriate times-and every time I start imagining creepy stalkers and supernatural beings coming after me or lurking in the shadows and tell myself to not do it again but I still find myself out running late at night a few months later. I think it's worth noting that I struggle and rarely try to follow imposed 'rules' or restrictions, even if they are set by myself and logically I understand the importance of them. 

I think I'll leave the actual results to my next post. I can't sleep, which is why I'm writing at 5am so expect at least another post. I think it's because I slept earlier on in the day when I was tired and after I stay up to a certain time I can't sleep until morning. Plus, I watched some JacksGap and Zoella videos on YouTube and they made me want to do something. Especially JacksGap, I want to be able to help the less fortunate and watching some of their videos are really inspiring, plus the fact that they became Internet famous from a hobby.

Sorry, originally the order was supposed to be this, contractions then results day all posted around 5am which is why I talk about why I can't sleep but I'm not sure what I've done on the blogger app to mess this up.

deep breathing

I complain when it's too cold in England, during the Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. And then when it's too hot, I complain again. It's not supposed to be hot in England, we're in western Europe, not that close to the Equator and the northern hemisphere. Despite all this, and personally I think because of global warming and the lazy people who refuse to separate their rubbish because 'it's not my problem, I'll be dead soon' and recycle and be sustainable, it's been boiling in this summer. I'm talking high 20s (degrees C). Usually British summers are around low 20s at most with weak sunshine filtering through grey rainy clouds.

The heat in addition to just generally being a moody teenager and a moody female has made me more volatile and irritable lately. Well, I'm all these things on a good day and today has not been a great day so, inevitably, I got really angry. It's not midnight so I've been 'packing' for NCS (which is only 4 nights) for over 5 hours. During this time I have been searching through our mess of a laundry room for most of the stuff I need and I haven't been able to find it all. This may be an over reaction, but when I went to my little brother's room, I found one of my favourite pairs of socks that I spent ages looking for and couldn't find. He wore my socks, and just left them in his room never to be seen again fully knowing they were mine because a few days ago he picked them up and asked if they were mine. So I started yelling and hitting him with them and then threw a can of pringles at him after scratching him. I know, when I say 'it may', it usually is, so clearly this was disproportionate. But, if you think about it, it's really not. Since I could speak and understood the process of owning things I have been very possessive over my things, there are rules about borrowing my things and I don't really like sharing. Also, I'm the only girl with two brothers so most things, especially clothing items have never been an issue. Plus, it's a known fact that my little brother is unhygenic yet he still took my socks, and what for? There are a billion other pairs in the lump of clothing.

Then, I saw my horrible older brother, who has decided not to speak to me again. He's a bit petty really, kind of like a girl. It's strange, I can't usually be bothered with something like that because it's such an effort and why waste energy on dislikeable people? Anyways, so I saw my brother and asked if I could borrow his torch. I broke or lost mine ages ago and he never uses it so the logical assumption would be that asking was just a formality. Notice how I actually asked before borrowing? It's not difficult. And without blinking or any thought comes back the answer 'no.' Seriously? What is your problem? Why are you being such a flipping girl? Man up. (sorry, trying not to swear as much) It's a TORCH. YOU NEVER USE IT.

In my already agitated state, I got more wound up and stomped to my room, slamming the door as hard as possible. I find that making loud noises helps, the tiniest bit, to dispel my anger. Then I paced and sat and paced some more shaking angrily with angry tears in my eyes. (This is my angriest, shaking and tears separately are bad, but together is even worse) So I sat and decided to try deep breathing. You know, all those self help junk tell you to take a few deep breaths to calm down. Yep, didn't work so well. It just wound me up some more since I was forcing myself to sit and do nothing so I'd focus more on the angry feelings. Then I started writing and it's taken maybe 10, 15 minutes. I'm a lot calmer now and feel a bit better. Although I still despise the err, buttholes that are my brothers. I'm so glad my older brother will be leaving for university in a year and then I'm gone the year after.

running

My relationship with running, as in outdoors on the pavements where people in cars stare and judge, is much like that with a favourite book or movie - you get really into it, spend lots of time on it then stop and come back to it occassionally. It's not to say that I stop exercising in my non-outdoor-running periods but I just get a bit lazy and bored of the same old routine, I really like running but after a while it becomes a chore instead of something I'm excited about.

I've noticed that after my runs, which generally last about 30 minutes (I stop about halfway and walk parts of the way home) I get cold-like symptoms, before it was a blocked nose and now it seems to be chesty coughes. I've looked this up on the internet and apparently the blocked nose would come under exercise-induced rhinitis and the chesty cough, exercise-induced asthma. Another thing I have noticed is that after an intense 2 hour workout at the gym I feel fine, tired, but otherwise healthy. Maybe this could be that there are just more pollutants in the open air and since I live in a town-turned-city, running on pavements would mean that I breathe in a lot of the fumes from passing motor vehicles. It could also be that I don't run as much in the gym, but I doubt it because I typically spend 15 minutes on the treadmill, and I walk at least 8 minutes of the outdoors run. This is going to stop me from running, laziness will, but I'd just like to figure what this is so I can get more drugs (I'm on stuff for acne and recently-ish developed hayfever) to fix it and completely nullify the purpose of my immune system clearly.

Also, I tend to notice with running is that I often go at what would be considered inapporpriate times of the day. Sometimes I would go around dinnertime, thus pushing back dinner and ruining my night-time routine, around lunchtime or like tonight (last night since it's 1am), late evening - tonight was 10:45pm and before during school time I liked to go around 9pm. I don't know, the reasoning for the late evening time is simple, since it's summer now, it's too hot to run in the day so night is the logical answer, also, night provides the cover of darkness so passersby can't see my sweaty grossness or easily see that I've stopped and am now walking around in shorts when it isn't shorts weather.

That's the one issue I have with running outside. Despite the fact that plenty of people do it, I feel self conscious and that people are judging me. I exercise in short shorts (I'm 16, it's ok) and a tshirt or vest top. Most runners I see are usually in leggings, 3/4 lengths or some men like to wear short shorts for men (mid thigh). So I guess some people may be thinking: 'it's cloudy and not that warm, why is she in short shorts?' but I can't exercise in leggings and 3/4 lengths are unflattering (yes. I care, I don't even ever tie up my fringe because all my hair pulled back is disgusting) and don't even get me started on knee length. I don't understand how other people can run in leggings, are they not pushing themselves enough to warm up? then why would you want to trap all the heat in with full length bottoms? No. That's illogical and stupid. Or I just lack modesty, at least with my bottom half. (I've been told that I wear too short shorts and skirts but it's my life and I'm comfortable). Although I have to admit, maybe that time when it was around 12 degrees, evening and raining, short shorts weren't so smart. Especially since I came back with red itchy legs, which I proceeded to scratch and the marks stayed for days. Except for that though, I stand by my clothing choice and people need to realise that STARING IS RUDE, and makes me a bit uncomfortable, especially coming from an old man.

anger management

So, my mum and I had one of our increasingly frequent yelling matches earlier. This usually concludes with me storming out and slaming the door to my room. Then one of 2 things happens, I stay in my room and stew for a bit before calming down and doing something in my room (read, text, movie) or getting some food, or I'll go to my room, get changed, grab my stuff and leave the house. I usually walk to town because there really isn't anything else interesting that I could walk to. Option #2 usually wins out over #1.

I find that the whole process is quite therapeutic. By the time I've finished the 20 or so minute walk I'm a lot calmer. Then since I'm in town I wander about the shops and inevitably buy things. After I've bought some things, I'm a lot happier and then I walk home. These excursions are generally quite short and only take a few hours (if you call that short). During the walk home, I'll start to question the necessity of my purchases, regret some purchases and consider returning some.

Especially now that I'm on my summer holiday, these trips are increasing in frequency. Although this method seems quite effective - since I return home happy and don't pick fights with whoever is in line of fire, I think I need a more cost effective way to channel my anger or any other pent up emotions. I say other emotions because I have a not so great way of dealing with other emotions, too, like when I get angry and sad and teary, then I either stay in my room and yell at anyone who comes near me or walk out without my phone and keep walking wherever. Or when I'm sad sad I cry uncontrollably and find somewhere where I can't be found. The common factor in these are that I either yell at undeserving people or walk out. And the anger one will cost me a lot if I get angry frequently.

Some people paint or eat chocolate and ice cream or go running or do some other exercise when they get angry or sad but I don't know. I do all of these things when I'm happy and they make me calm so if I did them when I'm angry or sad then I don't know, it'd taint it somehow. That's why when I broke up with my ex I refused to eat ice cream or chocolate when I was sad. Because it's a happy thing so if I do it when I'm sad then I'll be sad if I do it when I'm happy. Well that's the theory, anyways. I know, I don't really make a lot of sense, even on a good day.

ignorance

I'd started a post, yesterday now, and I'll probably finish it later today, when I get up, after I've slept. But I was suddenly thinking about something and wanted to hash it. What better way to do that than to post it on the internet? I know, smart thinking.

There's the saying: ignorance is bliss. I was contemplating this and I think back to when I was really young. Think, just starting-school-and-learning-to-read-and-write young. Back then we (I assume) took everything at face value. What our parents and teachers and mostly, older siblings said was the truth because we didn't know about lying and untruths and half-truths back then, and, it seemed to us that people didn't have a reason for telling us anything other than the truth. How could our innocent selves be able to ask any difficult questions or know that an action was wrong if done by someone older and seemingly more knowledgeable?

And then I think to now, I tend to say a lot of things flippantly, not realising that I'm being rude or offensive or actually really mean it or don't mean it - I'm impulsive and don't often think things through beforehand. I remember saying to my friends quite a lot that I would have preferred not to know a lot of things. Some were more important than others, and yes, some small things probably aren't imperative to know. For example: I was sitting at a picnic bench chatting with, well talking at, my friend and then she tells me she watched a spider crawl into my mouth and I ate it, unknowingly. In that situation, yes, I would've rather not been told, it's not like I could've done anything about it and there really weren't any devasting consequence (we live in the UK with non-venomous spiders). Or when I've been out and know that I look a little (a lot) worse for wear then avoiding a mirror is probably better until I've showered etc. But then, also in some more important issues, isn't it sometimes better not to know? I can't think of an example that I've personally experienced but I read this is in a book (fictional romance novel): a person dies, and only one person knows a terrible secret about them and the person (that's living) decides to preserve the memory of the dead by never revealing the secret, despite how significant it is. I'm not sure how much I agree with that, but it's never really happened to me so I don't think I can really decide yet. Some things like that, I think it depends on the circumstances and the people involved.

On the other hand, there is also a saying that information is power. I agree with this, think about the law. If you know about various laws and a person's rights then you can fight better equipped. But if you didn't realise that you were entitled to higher pay (minimum wage) for example, then you would continue working for less than you deserve and the employer would get away with their exploitation and illegal practise.

But then again, along the same path as the earlier parts of this post, are there times when information is destructive? In these circumstances, information is still power, but it holds the power to hurt you instead of to help.

Despite this though, I've always been a very curious question - I asked exessive amounts of 'why's' growing up and still dig for every little detail. I think this is to do with my wanting to be in control so to do that I need to know every angle of the situation. This has happened a few times in recent years, even with my friends telling me not to and knowing myself that nothing good could come of it, I would still talk to my ex to find out exactly why we couldn't stay friends when that's what we agreed to. In all of times I've done this (not all in the situation, but many similar ones) I've always walked in knowing it was a bad idea, my friends telling me not to and come out feeling bad and knowing I should've left well enough alone. I seem to be a sort of masochist though, I need to find out every painful detail, I look through sales racks to see if something expensive I've just bought has been discounted, I read the end of the book and ruin the middle chunk and plenty more.

I'm sure there's more I could say and it sure sounds like I was going somewhere with that last bit but I've just drawn a complete blank and since it's past 2am I think it's reasonable that I'm losing coherency.

sunbathing

I meant to post that previous post yesterday but I was overheating so I couldn't finish writing. No surprise, it's equally as hot as yesterday, if not hotter. I'm not sure, it was more stuffy and humid and I spent the day indoors yesterday. Today, I went to tesco in a three-quarter sleeve shirt, short shorts and ankle boots. That was a bad choice but the top and shorts are new and they look cute together so I chose fashion over practicallity. I'm not so sure that it was worth it after the trip took a lot longer than I expected and I had to wait in the car without the air con on. Then I got home, at some brunch and am now sunbathing in the back garden.

I'm not too sure how much I have to say about this but I'll try. So I'm in a bikini with a book, my laptop, sunglasses, water, iPod, phone and towel. I probably should have put my hair up but I don't feel like getting up now. It's also just occurred to me that I haven't taken my hayfever tablets yet and I've developed quite bad hayfever.

I should've mentioned earlier, at the moment, we have my 20 something male cousin round, and a family friend who's also male and 17. The pair of them and my little brother are all in the living room (which has doors leading to the garden) eating their breakfast/brunch/lunch. I'm not really sure how comfortable they are with my current attire. But my philosophy (I've probably used the word wrong) is that if they're allowed to walk around in just boxers then why can't I, in my equivalent. I'm not exactly comfortable seeing my brothers in form-fitting boxers, or overly loose ones for that matter.

Back to sunbathing, I really don't understand how people spend so much time doing this. I hate laying around and getting sweaty and the sun makes it hard to read or use your phone or something and I don't like people seeing my tummy so I'm laying on my back most of the time then I worry about tan lines and uneveness -like Ross' spray tan in FRIENDS. However, one thing that I'm grateful for is that I'm what I call dark Chinese, not the really pale kind that doesn't tan. I tan nicely and very easily so usually by the timet he summer holidays start in mid-July, after a couple of months of sun, I'm a nice olive colour. I also don't burn very easily so, especially in England I never have to bother with suncream. Which is great because I hate the filmy, sticky feeling.

I think I'll have to stop here because my laptop is heating up and getting worringly hot and I do quite like this laptop so I don't want it to break.

my fan

I forgot to mention earlier that I have started a few posts in the interim but I never finished them and posted them. This is for two main reasons, 1) I wasn't too sure how to word what I wanted to say/I didn't really know what I wanted to say about the topic and 2) I was too tired to concentrate and stay awake long enough to finish writing. They may, at some point, appear here, but then again, I may never figure out what I want to say about it or decide that I don't want that on the internet, immobolised forever and ever and ever.

Anyways, as I've mentioned before, it was excessively hot today. For some reason I feel like if I fight against something long enough then I might 'win'. A good example is my fan.We only have 2 fans in the house and in the summer they are a hot commodity and constantly fought over/stolen when people leave their rooms. For this reason I kept my fan, the better one, in my room throughout the winter, therefore I get first dibs in the summer and my room stays nice and cool. So, back to my stupid fighting against something inevitable thing. Basically, despite the stuffy feeling in my room, I refused to turn the fan off, mainly because it seemed like a lot of effort but also because maybe if I could survive the heat then I would slowly adapt and eventually the heat wouldn't bother me. No such luck. It got unbearable in my room, especially because my friend and I had done our nails in the morning then I split some nail polish so had to use the remover on my bed. The heat made the smell worse and I didn't feel too great after a while.

Eventually around 8ish I decided that the fan was a good idea and not giving up. However, I'm not sure why but the fan seems to have broken during the winter hibernation. It would turn off for no reason, increase and then decrease in speed/power reptitively and beep (changing modes or time or something). But none of this was because I pressed a button to make it happen. It got quite annoying so I had to turn the fan off but then it got too hot and I had to turn it back on. It's a vicious cycle.

hi

I've just re-tabulated (I'm not sure if that's actually word but a) I don't really care and b) the spell checker that I've come to rely on has broken) the amount of posts I'm missing, including the remaining 2 for today so including this one and I have 62. It's funny because at last count it was 38 and now it's almost doubled. That's quite scary and I won't be home or with much internet access for 10 days starting next Monday but excluding the weekend so if I'm ever going to get back on track I have to speed up and write all the posts for those days as well and then either post them all before I leave, when I get back, or entrust my friend with my password and ask if she won't mind posting them for me every day.

I'm not too sure where I was going with that introduction so in typical me fashion I'll just change the topic completely and start writing about an actual event or topic. Since I have so many posts to write I think I'll start with my day and possibly include yesterday but I might save that for another post so I don't run out of topics halfway through the 62.

As I mentioned earlier, my friend left around 1pm which in theory meant that I still had plenty of time to be productive etc. etc. However, I ended up spending the day doing absolutely nothing and eating way too much. That seems to be happening way too often recently, so I think I might have to increase the frequency of my gym visits.

I blame the excessive heat for my lack of productivity though. It's been way too humid and since I don't have a tv in my room, I use my computer, that contributes to the heat and makes it unpleasantly stiffling in my little haven. Plus, I always feel really sleepy in the heat so I slept part of the day away. It was not plesant waking up to find still no food for dinner (there was nothing for lunch). My mum had actually called me at 2pm promising to bring some veg and lemon and garlic for my dinner so I could cook the salmon in the fridge. Then I spent some quality time with the tv and sofa and ants in the living room watching old episodes of Rules of Engagement and Big Bang Theory that I've watched before. Oh, and some ice cream and yummy bear cookies. Then I went back to my room and watched a few Sex and the City episodes, which I have also watched before, showered and decided I'd better start writing.

well...

I would apologise again, but it's getting old now. However, there is a perfectly good, legitimate reason, I promise! Well, for three days at least, before that, and after that, I got a bit distracted a lazy. Really this all goes back to my worry that I'll waste my holidays being bored so I pack it full with activities and work myself into the ground. Well not work but that's the saying.

 I think I might break this up into several shorter posts because it could get a bit long and boring otherwise so I'll gloss through what I've been doing and why I've neglected you all.So the last post that I posted was last week, on the 29th June. The day after that I was busy making sure that I was prepared for my work experience at the House of Lords which was from the 1st July to 3rd of July. The day after I had badminton early in the morning and then work in the evening and I spent the middle chunk of the day exhausted after twisting my ankle at badminton and not sleeping enough for the past 4 nights. I meant to write at least one post on Thursday night but my cousin had just arrived from Newcastle and I had to start tidying my room since my friend was coming round the next day. That leads up to yesterday, I met my friend to go shopping in London at 1:30pm which meant that I had to be out of the house by 1pm, which meant I had to start getting ready at 11:30am. I allotted an hour and half not because it takes me long to do my hair and makeup or anything, but because I never know what to wear and I had to make sure I had all my reciepts and despatch notices for the stuff I was going to return. I also had to make sure I had everything I needed in my bag and in theory, this time should prevent the last minute trips up and down the stairs having forgotten stuff. It didn't. The 3 to 4 hours from when I woke up to started getting ready was spent mostly tidying my room. And then today. And I've started writing now. My friend stayed until 1ish I think and then I did nothing and fell asleep until 6ish, at dinner, watched TV and here I am.

I think I'll save the rest of the scintillating events for other posts so this is where we part ways, ciao!

technology

I have to be at work for 5, which means I need to be home by 4 since it takes me 15 minutes to walk there and I still need to shower and get dressed and find some semi amusing entertainment. I say semi amusing because I'm working at a Chinese takeaway (that isn't my parents, but they do own one) and they are not too busy but if I bring something too interesting then I'll neglect the few customers that do come in and feel really bad since I'm virtually being paid to sit around. This is actually a great job, but I don't like it too much purely because it lacks any type of challenge. I need something stimulating and challenges me, mentally. That's why even when I worked at my parents, which is significantly more busy, I was still bored brainless. I think I need to write this quickly since I really really really want to eat and it also means I'll need to be back a little earlier so I have time to cook and eat.

So, technology. I think I do this a lot to change the topic and relate it to the title, but I'm really just writing how I'd normally talk. You can see how people may not like talking to me now, don't you? This is probably why I also only seem to make friends with shy people, since I'm pretty much talking 90% of the time and since they're shy, they wouldn't even talk that much anyways so I've filled the gaps. Make that 95%. Ok, moving on.

By technology, I mean most gadgets that we take for granted and use day in day out and only realise how important they are when we break or lose them and are gadgetless for a while. So the working gadgets that I currently own are:
- an iPod nano (4th? generation, I got in 5 years ago and it's small and touchscreen less but I love it)
- an iPhone 3GS (I'm not sure this can really be classed as working since it will just randomly shut down for no particular reason and not turn back on until I charge it)
- a desktop computer
- an ASUS laptop (my cousin helped me choose it and you could build the insides like extra long battery life etc.) with a little dvd drive (since the laptop doesn't have one)
I know, you're bitterly disappointed, right? Most teens my age own quite a bit more and have iPads etc. but I'm working on it.

There's a reason I emphasised working technology since I have a tendancy to damage my things and not be too careful with them. Despite this, we (my mum, who pays) never get insurance. I wanted to talk about this since it seems that my headphones are dying now, which is really sad since I don't have any decent spares and I listen to music ALL the time, plus I'll be travelling to London for 3 days and I'm going to Southend tomorrow, which makes my iPod imperative. It's on par with carrying money and water and keys around. So, this is the fun bit, in the last 2 years, these are the things I've broken:
- 5 kindle keyboard wifi (the old ones without the paperwhite or backlight or touchscreen and they only sell the 3G version now and I think they might be stopping them soon) (don't worry, there was 1 year warranty so the subsequent 4 were free then the warranty expired and I haven't bought a new one yet)
- an iPhone 4 (technically, this isn't broken. I smashed the screen but the phone actually works, except for the glass kept falling out and it wasn't too safe)
- an iPhone 4S (this actually wasn't me, at ALL. I was holding my phone and carrying a tonne of stuff and my little brother was carrying nothing and asks my mum to grab more stuff and she couldn't carry it all so shoved some to me and made me drop my phone and smash the screen THEN I kept using it and one night after an 'incident' I was being deliberately irritating and provaocative towards dear father and he got angry and smashed my phone, so none of this was me)
- 2 blackberry cruve 2850 (I think thats the right model number, it's the oldest, cheapest, rubbishest one they still sell and made completely of plastic. The first time I think I got too much water into it so I got a new one on warranty and about 6 weeks ago, around the week of my first exam in the second week of May so yes, about 6 weeks ago, I got really angry after a phone conversation with my mum and threw my phone onto the kitchen tile - in my defence I'd done this before, slightly less agressively with my last phone and that didn't break, it just went a bit funny, but no, this one broke and I haven't really had a phone since until about 2 weeks ago I got the rubbish, broken iPhone 3Gs, to be honest, I really enjoyed not having a phone)
If you look at that, it's not that bad. I mean 5 kindles seems like a lot, but let me explain and start with the fact that kindles, or that model at least, are really fragile and easy to break. So the first one broke when I dropped it on my wooden floor and it landed on a corner, the screen went all dodgy and wasn't usuable (that's how all my kindles broke, as in the messed up screen). The second broke when I had a really heavy school bag. I kept my kindle in the front pocket and books behind but due to the shape of the bag it landed face first and the weight of the books proved too much for kindle number 2. The third, or fourth, I don't know which way round these two are, wasn't my fault. I was just using my kindle of the month when it suddenly started to restart or turn off for no reason. This happened a lot of times so I called up customer service, I honestly can't think of anything I did to break that one. The fourth, was partly my fault. Ok, I think this is the third and the previous was the fourth and the fourth actually last 2 months as opposed to the previous 3. So the third, I still hadn't found a nice kindle case so I was carrying it in my bag, sans case. I also carry water EVERYWHERE with me and I was in London that day. I assume that all the jolting and quick moving meant that items in my bad collided and when I pulled my kindle out you could see the place of impact with the water bottle that destroyed the screen. My last kindle lasted over a year which I was quite proud of. I have to explain, by the time I got to this kindle, I decided to get a case and eventually found a kindle sock. So when I was using it, it didn't have any protection from me. I left my kindle on the floor it seems that night, so I decided to pick it up so I wouldn't break that one. I put it on the end of my bed then reached down to grab something from under my bed. My duvet was draped over the edge so I pulled it up and it covered the kindle so when I kneeled on the bed to get the box I heard a crack. That was the end of my having a kindle. After this riveting explanation, you can see I'm just a bit uncareful and accident prone, more than anything, so it's not too bad.

Strangely enough, my mum agreed to get me a new one a few weeks before exams (when the last kindle broke) but I decided to wait until after so I'd have one less distraction. It's now the end of exams and I haven't worked up the nerve to ask for one yet. I know I want an iPad so I think the kindle can wait since you can just download a kindle app and I can also access my iBooks, so I think I'll wait until a new model comes out. If I get an iPad I don't particularly want an iPhone 5 and there are others that are cheaper with better technology (phone-wise) so that's not too bad. But I really want some new apple headphones, although I'm not sure of the design, maybe get some of the old ones from someone since I can't not be able to listen to music.

The air con is starting to make me really cold now so I think I'll go home and eat and write my remaining 4 after work tonight. Oh, and I meant to say that I have started about 3 or 4 posts but got distracted so they'll be up and I will find time at some point to make up the 39 or something. I might do some writing on the train or something.

reverse pschology

I know, I meant to write a lot yesterday, instead I wrote nothing. It's reverse pschology at work there. This happens a lot in my life actually. When I'm trying to choose between some options I ask for people's opinions and inevitably choose the opposite. Personally, I don't think I do it intentionally but everyone else disagrees. Although, I have to say, in other situations I do do this. For example, when I cook a meal and put all the pots and pans in the sink whilst I'm eating, I fully intend to wash up everything when I've finished but when my mum comes and tells me I have to, I refuse. It's simple really, and I don't see why people haven't figured it out yet. I think, when I'm on the brink of making a stupid decision people should try since if they encourage me, nothing that bad can happen. Allow me to explain, if I take the encouragement as support then, well I would've done the stupid thing anyway so that doesn't affect it, but if I act oppositely then I've not done the stupid thing I probably shouldn't have done. It's just when people tell me not to do something or say that I can't I want to prove them wrong. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

I actually haven't written a title for this post yet. I'm trying to deicde if there's anymore to write about the reverse pschology thing or if I should choose a different topic and leave it as an intro, as per usual. I think I've actually run out of things so I'll choose a topic soon. I'm actually using a computer in my gym 'lounge' bit, which is basically the cafe bit with a few computers and a couple of glass cubicles for office stuff. I didn't bring any money with me though because I hadn't planned to eat here and the yummy smells are making me really really really hungry now. Actually, I've changed my mind, I think this will just be a really really really short post.

swimming

I really cannot afford to fall behind with this again. Excluding this one, I still need to write 37 more posts, but I do have 33 topics in a list, at last count so as long as I don't lose the bit of paper I should be fine. I think this will be another short post since I'm not too sure how much I really have to say about this topic. Plus, it's not a moany complainy one since I don't really have much negative thoughts about it.

I went swimming with my friend today - that's what made the topic come to mind. We went to my gym since I managed to get a free day pass for her and spent a few hours messing about in the pool, disturbing other people and chatting in the hot tub. It was great!

I went swimming a lot last summer actually since I'd joined a membership with my sports centre but since I did so many weeks of work experience I couldn't get to the gym on time. That and a friend at the time was swimming all the time, which made me want to. I'm a really competitive person so when he talked about the number of lengths he did, I wanted to beat that, hence the swimming. I'm still quite proud that I managed 50 lengths of the 33.3m pool after a day of work.

But then after the summer, I didn't have much time to go swimming since the timetable switched back to term time and the public sessions were on badminton days or earlier on, when I get back from school. This means that now, I am once again, a rubbish swimmer. And it's not even like I was that great last summer. There is one main reason for this: I only swim backstroke. I don't know, I've always found backstroke the easiest since I mess up the breathing for front crawl and when I don't put my face in the water I can't do it and breaststroke just shouldn't exist. It takes up a lot of energy and you don't get very far and it's just stupid really.

Now, I'm really self conscious and I feel like if I go and try to swim lengths then I'll just embarrass myself and I should just give up. Great attitude, I know.

One thing that I dislike a bit about swimming though is the chlorine. It burns my nasal passages and throat when I accidentally drink some, not to mention the germs that I'll have ingested. It also ruined my nails which I'd only re done yesterday which was a bit annoying. And lastly, it lingers on my skin so I shower at the place then again at home. Oh, and it dries my skin and hair which is unpleasant since I naturally have dry skin and hair and yuck.

I'm getting a bit tired and have stopped knowing what I'm trying to talk about and what point I'm trying to make. I think that means that this is a good ending point.

'beauty'

I have this long list of topics to write about so that I can make up all of my blog posts but I keep making up new topics that I think of. I think tomorrow will be when a lot more posts come up since I haven't planned anything for tomorrow, finally. I actually thought about this topic when I was in the shower (not in a strange way but it's actually relevant when I've explained).

So, 'beauty'. Personally, I think that it's really unfair that there are a lot more beauty standards for women. Men complain that women take too long to get ready but if they didn't do all those things, then men would be repulsed or something equally drastic.

The beauty standards that I am referring to are all these things that women have to do that men don't. One good example is shaving or waxing. In today's society, women should have hairless underarms and legs and groomed bikini lines. However, men can be hairy and some consider hairiness as a sign of masculinity or something equally strange. I don't think men understand how much effort and pain and money goes into maintaining hairlessness and smooth soft skin. Same with eyebrow grooming. Like in one of my posts yesterday, skin peeled off around my eyebrows and I looked scary for a few days just so I'd have nice eyebrows. After that waxing, I now need to maintain them with tweezers which hurts. Another thing is clothing and jewellery. As a general rule, men shouldn't really wear much jewellery except a watch (or wedding band). Women on the other hand, have tonnes of different options and earrings - which hurt when they're pierced or if you haven't worn any for a while and then re-pierce the hole. Then clothes, sometimes there are dress clothes to adhere to, like smart-casual or formal or evening wear. For men, this mainly means wear a suit. But for women this is so difficult. In evening wear there are way too many styles and varieties to choose from and it's difficult to know which is suitable. Plus, women judge each others clothes, men don't do that, I think.

There are a lot more unfair things that women have to go through but I think I might save that otherwise this could become an essay and I'm not feeling awake or well enough for that.

lists

Despite the fact that it's my summer holidays I seem to be getting very stressed. I think it's mostly because I'm worried about wasting my time and being bored so I schedule a lot of things and don't give myself a chance to relax and enjoy my free time.

Generally, I'm a pretty unorganised person. I'm constantly rushing from place to place almost being late, or, well, mostly being late. I usually attempt to plan, decide that it's too hard and give up. Then I leave things to the last minute and end up rushing to get places on time. It's quite a good system really.

This scattered lifestyle, shall we say, could be caused because of my laziness actually. For example, take my room. Cleaning and tidying are so much effort and time-consuming that I just give up and live in a mess. I think that affects me on a subconscious level and makes me feel like my life is a big mess instead of organised and neat and tidy. Like, when I do exam revision or work, I have to clear my desk and the surrounding space, then I feel better and can work well.

Now for the good bit, the link to the title. I always plan to do things or realise that I have accumulated a lot of things to do so I like to write lists for myself of the things I need to do. Then when I cross out the items, I get this satisfaction and when the list is done I feel a lot better. This is actually one of my strange, er, quirks.

I like to write lists but I leave my room and stuff in chaos. On my phone, everything is organised in folders, then the folders are ordered properly. My wardrobe has to stay neat, so when I can't be bothered to put clothes away, they are just strewn about my room, but the wardrobe stays neat. For the subjects that I care about, my exercise books and notes all have to have a consistent layout and style and by that I mean the date and title go in the same place and are underlined, one line is left and then the work is started, all bullet points have to be the same and for maths, there always has to be a margin, with a width of 2 squares drawn.

It's strange that I have to have things like that, that border OCD or something and I can live in a mess or when I cook in the kitchen it looks like it's been ransacked but I work fine. Also, these aren't really organisation related but they are strange quirks: I can't play tennis but I can play badminton (kind of), I can't play forehand but I can play backhand, I'm relatively smart yet I don't seem to put two and two together - I get these light bulb moments when I finally realise how two concepts link or join or are related or something. Basically, I'm a bit strange and ditzy.

truculent

Turns out I'd started three posts at the beginning of the not-posting period. So hopefully, the 39 remaining posts (including this one) will be quickish to write. However, those will be appearing tomorrow since I really really want to get the hair product off my fingers, go to the toilet and fall into a coma on my bed. I want to write a shorter post since it's faster. I would apologise for this and probably shouldn't mention this but eh, I'm a blunt, straightforward person.

Truculent is defined as 'eager or quick to argue or fight; aggressively defiant.' This is me in one word. I came across it in one of my books and really liked it. For some reason, I never like to be proved wrong and even if I am wrong, I still argue until the other person gives up. It's not even a recent thing, when I was 8, I had to write a few sentences for homework and my older brother was helping me. He used a dictionary to prove me wrong and I kept arguing and arguing and justifying my opinion with my twisted logic. It's actually quite fun and I love love love arguing with people, that's why I want to become a barrister when I'm older. I'll be PAID to ARGUE.

Also, whenever I can undoubtedly prove myself right I like to yell HA! at the person. I don't think they appreciate and I really don't but I can't seem to stop. It brings me a sense of satisfaction like no other and I think some people have just realised I don't mean much by it now.

There was a reason I chose this topic actually... Oh yeah, my history teacher (the example from the last post). I've done a few one-on-one revision sessions with him because I find that they really help and it's better than in a group since I don't have to wait for my turn to ask a question and all the revision will be specific to my weaknesses. I do the arguing thing with him mostly it turns out. For example, I turned up to both my revision sessions with practise questions and he read through and marked them and gave me feedback. Any constructive criticism he gave I immediately defended myself and started talking about why they were in fact right. We've done this so many times that he knows I'm just joking so he doesn't really say much. It's great, he such a lovely teacher and I'll really miss him when I move schools next year. It's quite sad actually since he's the head of sixth form.

my handwriting

Yay, I'm down to 40 posts left to write. I have it all organised on a bit of paper. On the day of the room tidying my friend tore out all of the excess, unused pages from my exercise books so I can chuck the exercise books. So I took one of these little pad like things and decided it'll be to organise and keep track of my blog. I even have all the dates listed of all the posts I've missed and crossed off the ones I've done.

I thought that this topic would be quite good since I just thought of it and it relates to the previous two posts. I would post a picture but it's late and I want to sleep so I'll add it tomorrow or sometime. So I was typing up my handwritten posts and made an observation. Its not even a new one, since I've realised this before. But my handwriting is just so, erm, cursive and small that it's difficult to read the words.

It's really bad, since it's my own handwriting. For example, last year, when I did some one-on-one revision sessions for my first history exam with my teacher I did quite a few practise papers. We met up after school one day and he gave me my mark and it was pretty good but whilst I was looking through I thought I did quite well on the big essay question at the back but he gave me a lower mark. This prompted me to start arguing about it and I was trying to find bits in my essay that showed the highest level skills that I was missing but I couldn't read my essay to find bits.That was one of my best moments, obviously.

However, despite the large amounts of people constantly complaining about my handwriting and telling me to change it I refuse. This is for two reasons, first, I think it looks really pretty, and it does, but its just hard to read, but I think that it's a worthwhile sacrifice. Second, I don't think I can really change it that much and especially when I'm scribbling really quickly in an exam I won't be thinking of my handwriting. Plus, I'm into all that olden day, romantic chivalry rubbish and I think my writing looks similar to the cursive that gentlemen used to write longhand love letters in. (yes, my head is in the clouds, permanently)

hibernation

This is the second post that I wrote out on paper and never typed up on the 14th June. This was written pretty much right after the first one, around 9pm. Some of the stuff might be a bit confusing slash wrong but I don't want to go through the effort of changing it.

One down, seven left. I had badminton this morning then I went to the gym for an introductory talk/consultation about personal training. It was BRUTAL. My badminton coach decided that this morning was the time to crank it up and make everything a lot harder. He made me sprint around the court playing hard, powerful shots. And right after, I had the personal training thing. I'd assumed we'd discuss what would happen in a session, my goals and aims and if I had concerns or questions, that type of thing. I did NOT realise that she'd make me do some exercises and I really did not anticipate having to do sprints and other high intensity exercises. And right after badminton, too.

Now, tying that informative introduction to the title. My gym and the sports centre where I played badminton are on either sides of the city centre and I had to walk home after. Obviously, I had to walk around a lot today and I seemed to attract a lot of attention. I assumed that this was because I was wearing bright pink short shorts (sweat shorts that I exercise in) when it was quite cloudy and windy outside. This happens a lot so I pretty much ignore it.

However, when I got home and looked in the mirror, I realised there may be another reason. I got my eyebrows waxed yesterday and they look like this.

This happened last time because my prescription acne medication, it encourages my skin to regenerate so the wax peeled off my skin. now I look creepy and I think apart from the gym (and exams but it should be fine by then) I probably shouldn't be seen in public. How sad. I absolutely hate being confined to my room, or just not be able to go outside. I loathe it. I get all restless and agitated. Plus, my window is at the front of the house, close to the plants that are making my hayfever bad so I can't even get fresh air.

head pains

I forgot, on the 13th or 14th or something, we had a hospital emergency with my older brother and I was all set to accompany him to the hospital so I wrote a couple of posts on paper. I never got round to typing them up and earlier, I forgot to talk about them and the other hospital emergency with my little brother a few days ago. Therefore, this post might be a bit late or strange sounding or something but I might as well type this and the next one up, since I have a lot to write and this will speed things up and I won't waste my brilliantness.

So, I was sat enjoying my Friday night lazing about as usual and planning to make up some of my blog posts when my older brother bursts in, in tears. Not goo. Turns out a few days ago, he hit his head on the ground and now the back of his head kills and he can barely move his head. So hes called for an ambulance and me, being the nice person that I am, volunteered to go in the ambulance with him.

At the moment, I'm dressed in jeans and a comfy jumper waiting for the ambulance with him. I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing good on TV at 9pm on a Friday night. I've also packed a bag with a book, water, my iPod, keys, my purse, two pens and this pad. Y'know, just in case I'm waiting for a long time at the hospital. I thought that bringing my laptop might be pushing it so I settled for a pad and pen.

Turns out my older brother hurt himself by jumping on a space hopper in the park. See? Boys are idiots. Plus, I'm being very nicer considering he hasn't ever apologised for saying a really horrible thing to me back in January then he's stopped speaking to me since. Oh, to top that, my little brother is totally dismissive and is now being a nuisance with the help of his equally annoying little friend.

I think I'll finish writing this before the ambulance gets here. Or even call back, apparently they'll call within the next hour and send someone ASAP. I'm not too sure, clearly. Oh, I just went and got my brother some crackers and water whilst he's laying on the sofa texting and watching TV I'm such a nice sister. Plus, I get top act as a babysitter for my little brother whilst he is being particularly irritating tonight.

Throughout the course of this post, I've worked out that I wrote this on the 14th June around 9pm, just in case you were curious.

cooking

I'm not too sure where to start since I have a bunch of topics about school from way back when I stopped writing and some stuff about these last few days. Erm, I think I'll start with today, since it's all fresh in my mind.

Recently, I've started watching Sorted Food on youtube, and through them I found Nicko's Kitchen. On Nicko's Kitchen, he makes a bunch of fast food replicas and healthier version and some really yummy looking desserts. One particular one that stuck out in my mind was ice cream muffins. It's literally, melted ice cream and flour baked. Ok, it sounds a bit gross but it look SO cool!

I wanted to ask my friend to do something since she's going on holiday soonish and I've planned a massive splurge shopping trip (think 3-digits and months of accumulated allowances) with my other friend but I didn't want to spend much money since I wanted to buy the absolute most stuff I possibly could with my accumulated money, and neither did she, but for other reasons. Therefore, in the brain of Michelle, inviting my friend round for a cooking afternoon would be free and fun. Even though she's not that great at cooking and really only makes instant noodles and chocolate orange scones (which are delicious Lizzy :)). So I decided that we would make KFC with chips, ice cream muffins and an Oreo milkshake (she let me choose, I'm not THAT bossy).

It actually went quite well in the beginning, but then after we seemingly successfully cooked the chicken, the chips weren't done, since she put way too much oil on them. But then the chicken wasn't fully cooked so we had to microwave it. However, after that, things were a little bumpy but ok. She got the not so nice chips that we took out early and had to put back in the oven and mine stayed in long enough to crisp up and my meal was delicious. Then hers were done and we made the Oreo milkshake. We used a tonne of ice cream, a bit of milk and tonne of Oreo biscuits. It was yummy but sickly after a while. Then we attempted the muffins but we didn't fully melt the ice cream and it messed up so we added milk but it made it taste funny so I added chocolate chips which didn't help as much as I thought it would. By that point, we were both a little hyper from all the sugar, and feeling pretty sick, too. We kept joking about our bodies shutting down or getting diabetes. I felt so full and gross that after 3 to 4 hours I still felt stuffed and a bit disgusting.

Apart from that though, and the muffins tasting a bit bland, it was a yummy day. Then I got a text from the shopping friend and we talked on the phone whilst I got ready for and walked to work and we've arranged to do something tomorrow, not really knowing what the something was.

apologies

I know I know I know. I have been woefully neglecting my blog, I only managed, what? 10 days? Sorry! Sorry! But I have reasons, well to a certain extent. So the last time I posted was on the 13th June having skipped the 12th. That means that including the three for today, I need to quickly write 44 posts so I don't fall more behind. Although, with this its only 43, no big deal, obviously.

Ok, so my reasons. My last exam was the 21st June so before that I was going into school to do some history and maths revision. The history exam on the 18th was the hardest of the three I've had to do for the course and I was quite nervous so I wanted to put more time into preparation. And then, I did a practise past paper and I only got 60% which was beyond disappointing since when I did separate questions I only lost one or two marks. Secondly, on the topic, I had two maths exams, another straight after the history on the 18th and then the calculator paper on the morning of the 21st. We'd finished our maths GCSE back in November, so since then we've been doing a further mathematics course with introductory AS stuff in so it was a bit harder. Also, for this qualification it's possible to get an A* with distinction or A** and I really really really wanted to get it because a) maths is quite easy for me, b) my older brother got really good GCSEs but he wasn't able to get an A** so if I did then I could be all cocky and arrogant even if I don't do so well in my other exams and c) our teacher promised a special surprise (which would probably be chocolate) to anyone who could get it.

So, after my exam in the morning on the 21st, I spent the day getting ready for a friends party. I still hadn't gotten some white eyeshadow and lash glue I needed and didn't really have suitable jewellery, oh and I wanted some gel feet cushions for my heels. The party started at 6 but I got there around 7 and I needed a few hours to paint my nails, shower, hair, makeup etc. so I didn't have any time to spare that day. Then I had an impromptu sleepover at my friends house and her mum dropped us off at my house after so we could attempt to tidy my dump of a room. This meant that I was a bit busy and really tired on the 22nd, so I procrastinated another day.

From the 23rd I was free to do anything since it was my summer holidays but I ended but booking myself really full with commitments. For the past 4 days, everything has been really full on since I thought 'hey, it's summer, I don't want to get bored and I have a lot of time so let's do a lot of stuff to keep busy'. Plus, I've started to sleep really late (past midnight) and yesterday I had 9am badminton coaching which meant I had to be up by 8, this morning I had 10am personal training and I agreed to work from 5pm to 9pm from Tuesday to Thursday, then again this Saturday. I also made plans with my friends on Tuesday straight after badminton and today, after personal training and Monday was going to be a work day but I got lazy after I went to the gym early in the day and I needed to order some smart clothes for work experience next week and school in September (but I have a coupon code that expires at the end of June).

Clearly, I had a lot of well justified excuses. Ok, I was lazy, but I've decided to start writing earnestly (probably the wrong word) and within the next few days, everything will be up to date again, I promise! I'll even start to pre-write some posts for when I have work experience and the 10 days I'll be away.