drifting

I've noticed that I've been a little hypocritical lately. Well, to be fair, I'm always hypocritical but especially so, this time. We were talking in philosophy about how the news only ever reports bad things: accidents, economic crisis, crimes etc. and if you think about it, it's quite true, which is also what I thought in the lesson. Although, now that I think about it, it's not entirely true, but no, I'm going to pretend it is so this makes sense. So the part about being hypocritical is that I really disagreed with that and I've always lived my life trying to be happy and focus only on good things etc. However, I've realised that the only times I 'document' things in my life, they're not particularly good things. Like my last post or diary entry, or this post I'm about to write. Just thought I'd throw it out there...

I was showering and thinking about stuff and I got this feeling (not from my shower) that I've just been drifting along lately, metaphorically. I go to school, go through the motions of my lessons, eat, sleep, repeat - not in that order. Like I feel like I don't really have my place and I don't belong anywhere, most of the time I prefer being on my own which I find a bit weird.

I don't think that I really completely looked at every angle when I declared that I would move school this time last year. Now that I'm here, I've realised how many things I didn't think through properly, I only focused on the advantages and refused to see the reasons why so many people choose to stay at their schools for the last two years of schooling. I didn't see how completely my life would change, I didn't see that I would not know anyone and would be around no one I knew and not have any kind of safety blanket or group of friends to go to, I would have to speak to people and make friends. I also didn't realise that I wouldn't be able to make friends as easily as I did with my two besets friends that I met a few years ago at my old school. I didn't take into account the extra pressure from just the harder level of work and being at an even more academic school. Or that I'd be in unfamiliar surroundings with different teachers.

I don't think it helps that I've been dealing with a lot of stuff outside of school which makes it a bit difficult. Since I don't really know anyone that well I don't feel comfortable telling people really personal things and I don't even know who I would choose to talk to even if I did. The worst thing would be if I told someone and they just thought that I told them for pity or sympathy or attention. Saying that though, I didn't give some of these sixteen year old boys enough credit. I did open up to a couple of friends (they caught me at a weak moment) and if anything, they listened and tried to offer constructive advice or just cheer me up and distract me. Obviously they probably couldn't really understand or empathise unless they were in a similar situation. They do seem to care about me, sometimes at least. It's like that thing where people say you know who your friends are when you're going through bad things. That's the thing though, I never know what to do with myself when I'm 'fine'.