deep breathing

I complain when it's too cold in England, during the Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. And then when it's too hot, I complain again. It's not supposed to be hot in England, we're in western Europe, not that close to the Equator and the northern hemisphere. Despite all this, and personally I think because of global warming and the lazy people who refuse to separate their rubbish because 'it's not my problem, I'll be dead soon' and recycle and be sustainable, it's been boiling in this summer. I'm talking high 20s (degrees C). Usually British summers are around low 20s at most with weak sunshine filtering through grey rainy clouds.

The heat in addition to just generally being a moody teenager and a moody female has made me more volatile and irritable lately. Well, I'm all these things on a good day and today has not been a great day so, inevitably, I got really angry. It's not midnight so I've been 'packing' for NCS (which is only 4 nights) for over 5 hours. During this time I have been searching through our mess of a laundry room for most of the stuff I need and I haven't been able to find it all. This may be an over reaction, but when I went to my little brother's room, I found one of my favourite pairs of socks that I spent ages looking for and couldn't find. He wore my socks, and just left them in his room never to be seen again fully knowing they were mine because a few days ago he picked them up and asked if they were mine. So I started yelling and hitting him with them and then threw a can of pringles at him after scratching him. I know, when I say 'it may', it usually is, so clearly this was disproportionate. But, if you think about it, it's really not. Since I could speak and understood the process of owning things I have been very possessive over my things, there are rules about borrowing my things and I don't really like sharing. Also, I'm the only girl with two brothers so most things, especially clothing items have never been an issue. Plus, it's a known fact that my little brother is unhygenic yet he still took my socks, and what for? There are a billion other pairs in the lump of clothing.

Then, I saw my horrible older brother, who has decided not to speak to me again. He's a bit petty really, kind of like a girl. It's strange, I can't usually be bothered with something like that because it's such an effort and why waste energy on dislikeable people? Anyways, so I saw my brother and asked if I could borrow his torch. I broke or lost mine ages ago and he never uses it so the logical assumption would be that asking was just a formality. Notice how I actually asked before borrowing? It's not difficult. And without blinking or any thought comes back the answer 'no.' Seriously? What is your problem? Why are you being such a flipping girl? Man up. (sorry, trying not to swear as much) It's a TORCH. YOU NEVER USE IT.

In my already agitated state, I got more wound up and stomped to my room, slamming the door as hard as possible. I find that making loud noises helps, the tiniest bit, to dispel my anger. Then I paced and sat and paced some more shaking angrily with angry tears in my eyes. (This is my angriest, shaking and tears separately are bad, but together is even worse) So I sat and decided to try deep breathing. You know, all those self help junk tell you to take a few deep breaths to calm down. Yep, didn't work so well. It just wound me up some more since I was forcing myself to sit and do nothing so I'd focus more on the angry feelings. Then I started writing and it's taken maybe 10, 15 minutes. I'm a lot calmer now and feel a bit better. Although I still despise the err, buttholes that are my brothers. I'm so glad my older brother will be leaving for university in a year and then I'm gone the year after.