loneliness

I was supposed to be asleep 47 minutes ago since it school is very soon but I can't sleep tonight for some reason and I don't know why. It's starting to annoy and stress me out since I don't want to mess up my newly established good sleeping pattern but its a vicious cycle: I can't sleep, worry that I'm not asleep which causes me to be able to sleep less. Let me clarify the 47 minutes thing, I started writing at 23:47, get it? Sorry, I don't even mean to sound sarcastic or condescending there.

Sometimes, I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sometimes hand-in-hand with that, the sense of how small I am compared to the world. You probably saw this coming, this was/is one of those times. I've been trying to sleep since about 11 but I was talking to an old school friend on Facebook and reading random rubbish on the Internet and around 40 past or 20 to, I tried to sleep, properly. I locked my iPad and put my head on my pillow, curled up and closed my eyes. That's when I got the feeling. In my dark quiet room, I just feel so alone, vulnerable and weak. Then I put on some music quietly. It didn't help that my loser older brother just got home from doing something with his friends. I feel, irrationally I know, like I have no one, no friends or family to rely on or to tie me to this country or even this life (I'm not trying to sound suicidal since I'm not, nor am I making light of as serious a topic as that) it's strange, I get the loneliness feeling quite a bit actually and it probably explains why I've always got a movie or tv show or music on since I don't like feeling lonely but nor do I like spending that much time with my family. Thing is, that feeling is always floating around in the background and I have this longing for acceptance, I think, I can't really describe that feeling, and when it comes to the forefront then I feel a bit sad because I don't particularly like feeling like this.

This is a worser time when I've felt like this since there's the feeling so tiny and vulnerable part too. I don't mean small in the physical sense even though I'm only 5ft 2.5" (THE HALF COUNTS, OK?). But I'm just one person in billions on this Earth. Not that I didn't already know this but let me explain: I've pretty much planned out the rest of my life, what degree I want to do, my job, hey, I think I've already said this but oh well, how long I want to work then what I want to do after I've retired and the family/social side too but that's irrelevant to what I'm trying to say. What I want to do after I've worked for around 25-30 years or possibly less if I earn more or something, is volunteer in poor countries and help people. I read an article about women's rights in some countries and how non existent they are and I've heard of how bad situations are in China (there's a whole other rant for that and I sound a bit racist so I may never publish that) and other countries so there's a wealth of possibilities there. Basically, my end aim is to change the world, or at least a small part of it, for example something that will impact a significant amount of people for the better in one country. I know, I know, I sound like the typical idealist naïve sixteen year old, but I truly believe that if I preserve and believe in myself enough I may just be ale to achieve this, but not alone obviously. I'm not sure if I actually made my point but that feeling of being so small makes me doubt if I may actually achieve these goals which is contradictory to what I've just said but I'm a very convoluted person so good luck to whoever I date/end up with. In addition to my doubts, I have this need to be in control, it makes me feel safer and I need that due to stuff that's happened at the beginning of this year. But I mean control in the sense that I can control what happens to me not control like I need to be in charge of everything I participate in, control of my future for example by studying and working hard to get to where I want to be. If I work hard and do well at school I will be able to follow the path I have chosen and I choose wether I want to put in the work just like I chose which of the six schools I wanted to go to for the next and last two years of my education before university. I apologise for the lack of eloquence in that last sentence, it's late and I'm tired.

I'm not too sure that you have really understood what I've said but I find that sometimes writing stuff out helps and this is blog is more for me than to attract a bunch of followers and become Internet famous. Maybe my friends who read this might understand, but maybe they won't since I say some strange things. It has made me feel a bit better and I figured out the control thing whilst writing the sentences before that, also, the glare from my iPad has made my eyes tired and I think I may fall asleep soon.